Top 10 things I could not live with out #hawmc

10: Friday the Thirteenths, Yep today of all days.

9: The internet, I didn't have it until 1997 (Dial up, OH MY!)

8: My Husband. Yeah he's almost at the end however its still higher than the internet

7: Gardening, getting back to reality and to the earth.

6: Television, I wouldn't be able to know random '80-90's trivia with out it.


5: Medication: Lithium, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Zolfran, Zoloft, Vicodin, and Tylenol. 

4: Junk food; Dark Chocolate, Caffeine, Ju-Ju Bees, JuJu Fruits,

3: Finding the secret messages/images (like on some pills there is a smile if you turn it upside down):

2: My Daughters, obvious choice!

1: Me, myself and I!

Stream of Consciousness Day. #HAWMC

my daughter Grace

Today is random day. A knot of emotions welling up making me feel like I am not a good mom. My back showing the signs of old age because I put tension, frustration, failures. The lack of sleep makes my world a bit darker like the night's sky. Though because of all the buildings, they have bits of bright spots, so I'd go with the country side night sky. The pain in my heart makes me feel like I can't love something new however I let people in. The weight of my tears makes my face heavy when I cry. I almost feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. Just get in a jet plane and leave things behind. I felt like that when I had my first daughter. And like my first daughter I didn't have any money to accomplish this, that is why I sat and looked at the airplanes flying over my head and wanted to be on them. I guess not every airplane, but the ones going to Japan or Australia. Just for the day or the week just to say I did it.

I do it one year. Just to say I did it. I'll put it in my Bucket list. The fancy way of saying need to do before I'm XX years old.

Theme Song #HAWMC The Facts of Life

You take the good, you take the bad, 

you take them both and there you have 

The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life. 

I think my theme song would have to be the theme song to "The Facts of Life". Yeah, it was written about teenage girls however with Bi-Polar and Postpartum depression I think there is a point where you have to see that its not just the good or the bad; its that there is a grey world and you need to live with it in order to survive. Its also not that simple to see when you are neck high in an episode and the world seems like there is no where to go but in a downward spiral.

Watching TV as a kid I always envied the way things were wrapped up at the end of a 30 minute episode. When one was depressed, they didn't have to take pills, they didn't have to see a therapist; if they did it was for 10 minutes and the world was a lot better and ended with a group hug of some sort. Unlike reality, one could split up the dramatic episodes so the audience didn't have to feel like it was their reality. It just meant that they could sucker you in for another 30 minutes with 10 minutes full of re-capping. Then end again in a positive note. 

Escapism, the cheapest form of mental relaxation for a little girl who's whole life was one of those painful episodes. I waited for the group hug, the "it will be all right", the laugh track to say something, the feeling that everything is ok by some one that loved me, especially my mother. Not one of these came to being. I really felt that nothing was going to be all right. I wanted to wake up in the morning to a different life. Even pretended that I was some of the characters on TV a few times, but could never, ever be what I wanted life to be. Simple and Happy.

I secretly wanted to be Blair. Who did you want to be?

Dear 16 year old Bella #HAWMC

I wrote to my sixteen year old self a month ago, however I wanted to write something for my eldest daughter Bella for this exercise.

Bella "Age 16" future

Dear Bella,

My have you grown. I am writing this in 2012 when you are just shy of your 3rd birthday, I know its too early in your life to comprehend a subject like depression and I hope you never will. When I was 16 my mental health wasn't the greatest. I had major issues with my brain that I couldn't figure out. I also wanted to talk about it with my mother, your grandmother about, but she would not listen. I hope our relationship is better and we can talk about everything you want me to know about.

When I was 15 years old, my biological father sent me a packet of information about a metal issue called Bi-Polar Manic Depression. I like the analogy of a roll-a-coaster. Some days you can be very, very happy, and the next very, very sad. Sometimes the days can last for weeks. I didn't know why this was important to me at this age and you are probably wondering why this is important to you. It is important because its something that can be controlled and with out medication, therapy and a lot of support, it can control your life without a care and feeling of failure that you are doing something wrong. And you are not. Its hard to grasp when you have hormonal changes going through your body, yet another thing to think about. At first I thought I was a hormonal mess and thought my brain was going to explode.

When the doctor talked to me about the treatment of this condition, I was very overwhelmed. I figured that I was living in a world where I created chaos, my mother (your grandmother) added to it and and I felt I never could get out of the pit of darkness.

He told me about medication, two pills, Lithium and Prozac that could make my mood a bit more stable, a clam I never knew. When I first took them I didn't realize the effect that it was happening to me. I didn't feel different. I still felt like screaming in my pillow at night and the lack of support from your grand mother was very apparent.

When I was in school one day, in Spanish class, (I was a few weeks into my new treatment and feeling a little better in my brain), another teen was chewing out the Spanish teacher for not really teaching us a proper Spanish instead of exploring our feelings. A few minutes into this he turns to me and says, 'This is the first time I have ever seen you smile'. I looked at him with astonishment. I was smiling? A few days later he told me that it was very weird to see me smile and at that point he was astonished that I was smiling with out cause.

As that day drew to a close I had a new found thing I thought I could never do. Smile just because.

While you are probably rolling your eyes and saying what does this have to do with me, I'll tell you that it may be genetic and a lot of work is being done, so there might be a pill to better suit your needs with out trial and error, horrid side effects and the feeling of failure that comes with the fact that you don't have to miss a dose of medication and not have to start a day, a week, a month later.

I love you,
Mommy (or Mother)

Happy Birthday to you, dear Grandma, happy birthday to you.

Today was my mother's birthday.

Today she would have been 64 years old.

Today her two granddaughters would have sung her a happy birthday song, well at least Bella, Grace would have coo'ed.

5 years ago, this month, her body was found and ended any reconciliation we had.

Today I am going to Grace Cathedral and lighting a candle for her. For the happy memories when she was alive.

Happy birthday to you, Mom.

Keep Calm and Take Your Pills #HAWMC

Today the assignment was to create a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster about the health issue I am blogging about. I couldn't think of one for me as a Bi-Polar person, so I made the poster on the left hand side.

I thought about the countless pills one has to take for Bi-polar Mania and other diagnoses of depression. How the Medical Community feels like the pills and talking for us about the  past for an hour every week, two weeks or a month are enough to become "normal" and "well adjusted" in society. To me its not good enough.

I feel sometimes that when I walk into my provider's practice, they care more about the time frame that you spend in their office chair than you the person. The random nice questions go in one ear and out the other, the bottom line is what they care about.

"Do you have enough pill to last until the next time I see you in a month?" "Do you feel any of the side effects of that pill(s)?" "Do you feel like you should be on Brand X when Brand Y is better?"

I feel like they are saying to me "Take the Pills and Just be Happy" that you are not in some third world where I would be dead by now. I know over the top drama, but in a way I can hear that in their tone of voice when they are saying "Times up, see you in 4 weeks!".

I knew the pills were working. My step dad commented on how numb to the world I became once I started to take the pills on a full time basis. He said he liked the vibrant person, the one laughing, making jokes, painting expressively (when I did paint). Now I was an observer, the person sitting in the back of the room at a party. Almost dead to the world.

Maybe it did make me numb, maybe I am a quiet person at heart and with the medication I am my true self. Because of the lack of medication my real self got scattered in the noise and caused an alternate universe, an alternate me.

Maybe I am happy by taking my pills?

My Husband is Awesome #HAWMC

Tuesday I wasn't feeling like I could go back to work. I went to work on my start date because I thought I was ready. I was not. This is how the conversation went: M = myself; H = Hubby

M: I don't feel I can go back to work
H: Are you sure?
M: Yes, I think my back problems are an issue, but not the whole deal
H: They (doctors) say sometimes you can have physical problems like your back hurting can be a symptom of depression.
M: Yea, true. I need to call my MD about it see what he says.
H: If you need more time, that's okay with me. At least you didn't pretend to go to work and wait for me and our kids to leave before coming back home. That is something I would have done.
M: I thought about it. However you would have suspected something with out Grace here.
H: Yep. Call the MD when they open and see what he says. You are doing the right thing and talking with me about this issue. I respect that more than if you didn't say anything. I love you.