Stream of Consciousness Day. #HAWMC

my daughter Grace

Today is random day. A knot of emotions welling up making me feel like I am not a good mom. My back showing the signs of old age because I put tension, frustration, failures. The lack of sleep makes my world a bit darker like the night's sky. Though because of all the buildings, they have bits of bright spots, so I'd go with the country side night sky. The pain in my heart makes me feel like I can't love something new however I let people in. The weight of my tears makes my face heavy when I cry. I almost feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. Just get in a jet plane and leave things behind. I felt like that when I had my first daughter. And like my first daughter I didn't have any money to accomplish this, that is why I sat and looked at the airplanes flying over my head and wanted to be on them. I guess not every airplane, but the ones going to Japan or Australia. Just for the day or the week just to say I did it.

I do it one year. Just to say I did it. I'll put it in my Bucket list. The fancy way of saying need to do before I'm XX years old.

3 months young

Baby Grace is three months old!

Sleeping

I learned that in three months my heart could grow another size larger, my want of another life is growing like the little one in my arms. However it seems that I am faced with the life of a working out side the home mom. As much as I try it seems that the goal of at least being a SAHM (stay at home mom) is very out of reach. 

My Mother in Law, the one that stated that she may not be able to watch Grace, is now rushing me to get Grace on the bottle, reminding me that in two weeks I become the night and weekend care giver, like Bella when she was her age. I didn't want that status then I don't want it now.