Sanity Pills - Crawling Back to Reality #HAWMC

I used to be shy about who knew about my Bi-Polar / Manic depression. Ever since I was a teen my step-father stated it was a declaration that made you different and made you a cast out of society. Like a scarlet letter or a sign that stated that I had some type of contiguous sickness that could be caught if people came close. I felt that way until I realized (around 17) that it made me who I was and wasn't shy about who knew I was taking medication. As I grew older and out of my mother's house, some in my life used to say that my problems could be handled with out medication and feeling depressed was a state of mind. I thought it was too so I stopped and for a month or two felt fine then crash and burn.

The medication made me more level. Though they did have a sedating effect that one would notice if you knew me pre medication intake. The dramatic me would become more level and quiet. It would calm me and when I felt the depression go away, I would stop taking them, going back to the dramatic me until I crashed and felt my way back to the bottle of pills that sat dormant on the computer desk. Feeling shame that I let myself get back to the places I hated about myself.

When I was pregnant for the first time I knew I couldn't take my harsh medication. I wasn't on it anyway because in the time from having a temp job to having a job with benefits, in the lapse I didn't have a prescription and I felt fine. Then after I had my eldest the floor went from under me.

The MD that prescribed the medication stated that I should be on the lowest dose the first day post par-tum. Unfortunately the nurses thought other wise and I ended up getting the full dose. Boy did I feel like I was a Zombie. I couldn't describe to you how I felt but it put my paranoia up to 100. When I got home it was made worse. I would cry and cry. I think there were a few points where I stopped crying when my eldest slept I didn't cry but when she cry I felt like some one was stabbing me in the heart. My husband also saw the Zombie in me. He would comment that the only time I was myself was when the medication wore off at night just before I took my pill again.

I took myself off those pills. I felt 200 times better, almost "normal" even though there were a lot of rough patches. More than a few times I went out side the apartment and decided never to go back in. The arguments my husband and I had in the rain with my young daughter clinging to his side. The guilt I felt when I saw her face.

I tried to go back on to Lithium. I really did. But I thought it would take a few months to get into it and then when I wanted to have another little one, it would take a few months detoxing my body and that wouldn't be pretty.

When I got pregnant with my youngest I promised my husband that I would go see the Therapist and get the medication issue straighten out. Again I was fine during my pregnancy, but lurking was the Amanda of old, the paranoid, anxiety filled person that was going to cause more damage to my eldest girls mind. I needed to change that. So I changed my doctors. And it was a lifesaver.

 

Not only did the fresh perspective help me, it helped my family. I am now on medication that helps me through the rough patches, and a tot that actually isn't so afraid that when mommy leaves out of the door, she'll know that I will be back.

Pinning #HAWMC

Here are my Three "Pins":

I didn't pin anything dark or depressing, nor pills or pill bottles because that is what every one expects some one to pin about depression. I chose to do the positive words for a messed up mind.

The first one is the girl that says "My beauty comes from having my own style, living my own way and knowing my own mind." For a long time I had a negative self image. Most of my childhood was spent being looked down and tormented, being bullied because I was the easy mark. My clothes and my childhood home made me that way. The depression that I didn't know existed at the time, led me at seven years old telling a roommate my mother had that I wanted to kill myself. I am here so I didn't follow through. I don't think my "AH-HAH" moment came until I was looking at my eldest daughter and I had to break the cycle and say that I am different and I am beautiful. Like they say in recovery, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for the person you love first and then it will be second nature for you to do it for yourself.

The Second one I pinned states, "Nothing is impossible, the word it self says I'M POSSIBLE!" and that is by Audrey Hepburn. When you are in a cycle of depression and self flagellation, you think everything is impossible. Impossible to wake up for work, impossible to feed yourself, impossible to go forward with things that make you happy in your old life. Trust me, when you are depressed, you look back on the happy weeks as a different time span, almost like a parallel universe to where you don't understand what's going on. Almost a Ms. Jeckle, Depressed Hyde personality. I feel I border on M.P.D. Multiple Personality Disorder because I sometimes don't remember what ever happened the day before as if it was some one else's life.

The last is a picture of a bright sunny day and a few flowers reaching to that sun for energy and warmth. I feel like that when I come out of a cycle of depression or just got on to medication that I can feel lifting me out of that funk. Like smiling for no reason or knowing my head isn't weighted down by a funk, is a great clear moment.

I am a bit tired now. If you want to follow me for other reasons on Pintrest or need an Invite please  (I heart technology now a days!)

Stream of Consciousness Day. #HAWMC

my daughter Grace

Today is random day. A knot of emotions welling up making me feel like I am not a good mom. My back showing the signs of old age because I put tension, frustration, failures. The lack of sleep makes my world a bit darker like the night's sky. Though because of all the buildings, they have bits of bright spots, so I'd go with the country side night sky. The pain in my heart makes me feel like I can't love something new however I let people in. The weight of my tears makes my face heavy when I cry. I almost feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. Just get in a jet plane and leave things behind. I felt like that when I had my first daughter. And like my first daughter I didn't have any money to accomplish this, that is why I sat and looked at the airplanes flying over my head and wanted to be on them. I guess not every airplane, but the ones going to Japan or Australia. Just for the day or the week just to say I did it.

I do it one year. Just to say I did it. I'll put it in my Bucket list. The fancy way of saying need to do before I'm XX years old.

My Husband is Awesome #HAWMC

Tuesday I wasn't feeling like I could go back to work. I went to work on my start date because I thought I was ready. I was not. This is how the conversation went: M = myself; H = Hubby

M: I don't feel I can go back to work
H: Are you sure?
M: Yes, I think my back problems are an issue, but not the whole deal
H: They (doctors) say sometimes you can have physical problems like your back hurting can be a symptom of depression.
M: Yea, true. I need to call my MD about it see what he says.
H: If you need more time, that's okay with me. At least you didn't pretend to go to work and wait for me and our kids to leave before coming back home. That is something I would have done.
M: I thought about it. However you would have suspected something with out Grace here.
H: Yep. Call the MD when they open and see what he says. You are doing the right thing and talking with me about this issue. I respect that more than if you didn't say anything. I love you.

Time in a Bottle #HAWMC

The time 1:00 PM GMT, April 1, 2112, the place some where in the desert of what was known as the San Francisco Bay Area. The great archaeological find of the year has been unearthed due to construction of a major farm that promises to restore the great valleys of California due to the Cities of San Francisco and Los Angels being moved towards Hawaii in the great earthquake of 2100 dramatically shifting the ecosystem of .

One of the finds that was thought to be an inhabited area; scientists found a Time Capsule from the year 2012. As they took it back to their field lab, the box sprang open and a small note was at the top:

Dear Future,

Please do not judge.

I am a mother, a wife and a woman.

I have many problems.

Please look at this with an open mind,

people in this life look at Bi-Polar/Manic depression as the black death.

We are people just like you.

Yours Truly, Amanda

As they look onward they find sealed gallon zip-lock bags full of Medical journals, papers, finding and other documentation of the definitions and treatments of the condition. Some from the early 20th Century, which document the treatments of shock therapy for this "Bi-Polar/Manic" type of depression. In pill bottles they find little pink pills with the instructions on how to take the pills 3 times a day of a substance called Lithium, another dozen bottles of pills called Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Prozac, to name a few. a journal that documented the struggles of the woman called "Amanda". A USB device that once open, showed a website long forgotten. Reading it they found the struggles this person went through as a woman with depression. Struggling with the stigma and the necessity of keeping it quiet from the people in the "Normal World". And a few photographs of what looks to be a very healthy family of four laughing at what seems to be a park in old San Francisco.

At first the scientific community was baffled about this discovery. Depression was wiped out by the discovery of a genetic trait that could be turned off by the nano-bots given at birth in 2102. So this discovery it showed the lack of medical knowledge of the humans living 100 years ago. It validated a few ideas that the medical community had as they theorized that back then the doctors treated the symptoms and not the root cause of the genetic disorder. They marveled at the information that this capsule provided, a wealth of misinformation, once thought of as the definitive answer by giving harsh medicine to people to alter their thinking and perception of the world to now where a simple DNA test and nano bot correction can wipe out  anything and repair the broken links.