Challenges and Victories the top 5 of each #hawmc

The top 5 challenges:

5) Some people do not believe that it is a continuous illness. That once one is happy again they will never get it again and forget that it can be a pattern for many more episodes.

4) There are people who have depression that don't take care of themselves by seeking help or taking medication. I feel like I am the sane one in a sea of crazy people because I am getting help and they are not and take their own lives or kill people because some thing snapped in their brains.

3) Trial and error of medication. Some times for depression you have to take 4 or 5 different medications before one or two take hold. The side effects can harm the person taking them or do nothing.

2) Some people feel that its a shameful, horrid thing that is not talked about in families and you are an outsider if you talk about it with anyone.

1) People with depression "look normal" because there is no limp, wheel chair, walking device or physical sign of depression. I think more people take other disabilities more seriously because there is a physical element to their disability. Since depression is a mental illness its hard for other people to "see" that you are not "normal".


The top 5 victories:

5) More research is being done to prove it has a genetic link for having depression. I know my mother was depressed (and came from a long line of depressive personalities) and my father and his father were Bi-polar/Manic, so when I heard that there were studies being done to see what the genetic link could be I jumped at the chance. So if and when my daughters have any type of depression, they can get medication tailored to them. They don't have to have bad side effects or harsh medication in their systems to try to see if it works.

4) It's being accepted as a disability, yes I know I stated in my number 1 challenge that its hard to see physically, however there are more medical studies, medical doctors out side the psychiatric community that can spot the early signs of depression or "blues", because some times it can cause physical illness that can be seen.

3) More Social Media Exposure. Blogs, Twitter and Facebook, just to name a few, have groups that people can connect with talk about their experiences, help guide other people just starting to find out information of the new diagnosis they recived and having community established. One such community is #ppdchat on Twitter.

2) Family acceptance. Here I go again stating a contradiction to the number 2 challenge, however if one person in the family becomes aware of the diagnosis, they can ask about other links to the past. Maybe an aunt that drank to be happy, an uncle that took illegal drugs to stop the talking in his head. By talking to my family members, I found out a wealth of information about different people I never met, but genetically linked that had some type of depression. Most of them drank alcohol as medication, more socially accepted then depression.

And the number one victory?

1) Myself. over my 32 years of life, I know how my body works. What can trigger my depression, what I can do to help me manage depression. It's not a 100% system. A new situation occurs, a bill that's not paid or my youngest screaming in the car for 20-30 minutes straight can be a very bad situation, however I have built a good support network, my husband knows and does help when its needed so I don't crawl into a hole, like the underside of the house and only come out on leap years (that would be awkward for the people that bought our home after my husband and daughters moved out?).

Sanity Pills - Crawling Back to Reality #HAWMC

I used to be shy about who knew about my Bi-Polar / Manic depression. Ever since I was a teen my step-father stated it was a declaration that made you different and made you a cast out of society. Like a scarlet letter or a sign that stated that I had some type of contiguous sickness that could be caught if people came close. I felt that way until I realized (around 17) that it made me who I was and wasn't shy about who knew I was taking medication. As I grew older and out of my mother's house, some in my life used to say that my problems could be handled with out medication and feeling depressed was a state of mind. I thought it was too so I stopped and for a month or two felt fine then crash and burn.

The medication made me more level. Though they did have a sedating effect that one would notice if you knew me pre medication intake. The dramatic me would become more level and quiet. It would calm me and when I felt the depression go away, I would stop taking them, going back to the dramatic me until I crashed and felt my way back to the bottle of pills that sat dormant on the computer desk. Feeling shame that I let myself get back to the places I hated about myself.

When I was pregnant for the first time I knew I couldn't take my harsh medication. I wasn't on it anyway because in the time from having a temp job to having a job with benefits, in the lapse I didn't have a prescription and I felt fine. Then after I had my eldest the floor went from under me.

The MD that prescribed the medication stated that I should be on the lowest dose the first day post par-tum. Unfortunately the nurses thought other wise and I ended up getting the full dose. Boy did I feel like I was a Zombie. I couldn't describe to you how I felt but it put my paranoia up to 100. When I got home it was made worse. I would cry and cry. I think there were a few points where I stopped crying when my eldest slept I didn't cry but when she cry I felt like some one was stabbing me in the heart. My husband also saw the Zombie in me. He would comment that the only time I was myself was when the medication wore off at night just before I took my pill again.

I took myself off those pills. I felt 200 times better, almost "normal" even though there were a lot of rough patches. More than a few times I went out side the apartment and decided never to go back in. The arguments my husband and I had in the rain with my young daughter clinging to his side. The guilt I felt when I saw her face.

I tried to go back on to Lithium. I really did. But I thought it would take a few months to get into it and then when I wanted to have another little one, it would take a few months detoxing my body and that wouldn't be pretty.

When I got pregnant with my youngest I promised my husband that I would go see the Therapist and get the medication issue straighten out. Again I was fine during my pregnancy, but lurking was the Amanda of old, the paranoid, anxiety filled person that was going to cause more damage to my eldest girls mind. I needed to change that. So I changed my doctors. And it was a lifesaver.

 

Not only did the fresh perspective help me, it helped my family. I am now on medication that helps me through the rough patches, and a tot that actually isn't so afraid that when mommy leaves out of the door, she'll know that I will be back.

Depression Wiped Out by Nanobot Technology #HAWMC

Nanobot Technology wipes out Depression of All Kind!

April 20, 2035 - The New England Journal of Medicine will report that a sister team of Nero-scientists, Doctor Arabella Hunterson Ph.D. and Doctor Grace Hunterson Ph. D. have found that injecting nanobots into the body on a cellular level that are genetically guided to the DNA of the subject can successively switch off the coding for the depression, no matter how mild.

"Since the Human Genome project was concluded in 2020 it showed us that everything can be turned on and off with the proper coding. Our question was how to get the coding to the DNA structure with out harming the patient was a large concern for us. Our mother gave us the idea about the nanobots back when we were little," Reflects Dr. A. Hunterson, "She told us that a great way of looking at things was to go small like nanobots so we can see the big picture."

"The general question of this would be if the patient would have to be injected pre-conception in the mother and the father or post birth to get the maximum effect. Our research time and effort shows that the subject can be injected with the Depressive Bots at any stage in life, however to gain the maximum effect, the research shows that if injected with the Bots with in the first ten weeks of life, the subject has the best results and will be considered success in later life" Dr. G. Hunterson interjected, "Though more long term studies have to be conducted on the subjects and regular check-ups still have to be done, we are hopeful that in a few years the FDA will grant us clearance to make this a routine vaccination to all newborns just like the DTAP was when it was given to us."

The small test sample, the team reports, have been doing very well with no relapse.They have also stated that they themselves have tested the nanobots on a family member with success. And stated that the family member was the first in line after the FDA gave them the first clearance to do human studies back in 2030. They say that more details will be given in the NEJM when their paper is published in the September issue and will have further news conferences in their receptive fields as the months progress and they get further clearance from the FDA. They also have noted that these particular nano bots have only the power to change one link in the DNA structure, though they hope with time and further study that they can help aide the coding structures to turn off more defects, however they state that the bots will not be programmed to turn your eyes blue or hair blond. Its purely medical as of this moment in time.

Why Not? #hawmc

Have you read this book? Neither did I until my daughter got this for her second birthday. Its about a Naked Mole Rat that likes to wear clothes when the status quo of Mole Rats is to remain Naked.

The main character Wilbur says "Why Not?" to the argument of the three other characters stating Naked Mole Rats Don't Wear Clothes.

When people tell me to feel something other than what I am feeling I ask "Why Not?" Why not feel sad? Its a valid emotion, everyone feels it at one point in their lives. I've realized you can't force it down into the pit of an empty void in the soles of your feet, or in the small of your back, what does that get you, a ticket to see a specialist and a pill bottle full of pain killers. Never addressing the real problems of life. It does hurt to a degree but why not feel emotion? Its fully in a person's right to feel happy but not sad? I know in the Declaration of Independence that there is the pursuit of happiness, but what if some one's happiness at a point in life is to be sad? To feel the pains and hurt. Some authors actually wrote their best work while depressed. Would you have told Kurt Vonnegut, hey  I think you are too sad; take these pills and your troubles would go away. With pills I meant Lithium and other anti-depressants. I don't think the books he was famous for would have been written. Maybe they would, but wouldn't be as popular if they were happy and joyful would they? Why Not? Because when some one feels raw emotion, it comes out in their writings.

Why Not?

NO! #hawmc

NO. Such an easy word to say? My toddler says it all the time. Maybe I did too when I was a kid. As a teenager I didn't know boundaries, I knew right from wrong, what inappropriate things were on the list of NO-NO's for myself. However my thoughts were screwed up when it came to my friends.

See I had a car, they didn't. I had to go to places, they didn't. So to keep them being friends with me I drove them to their homes almost every day. Thankfully they lived in the same area, but most lived in the Hills, and driving a manual 1963 VW bug, yeah there were some stalls. I paid for gas myself, mostly out of a summer job and occasionally though my allowance during the school year. I don't remember it being $1.36 a gallon, at some independent stores had Fridays were it was .99 Cents. By the way this was in 1997.

The massive crowd of people would gather around my car on Wednesday's would appear right after the ending bell at 2:35 pm. We got out early, however the AC Transit buses, that took majority of the students home didn't show up on school grounds until 3 pm, if the buses were early it was 2:55 pm, so if you had a car you were obviously popular with the bus crowd. 

During that same year I was going to therapy more and more on a weekly basis because of the teenage hormones, troubles with my mother, my childhood, my diagnosis of Bi-polarity Mania, also every so often they drew blood to see how my body was tolerating the harsh drugs and to see if I need more of one verses the other.

I scheduled most of the therapy sessions on Wednesday's because I could get there by 3 pm and still be home in time to do my homework. That conflicted with the other priority, driving people home. Most sessions I made it there on time, ok maybe 1-2 minutes late but nothing big. Then there were days were I was late 10 minutes and that cut into my time. The therapist told me when that happened I would only get the remaining minutes of the session, nothing more. I thought that was unfair. I was the one paying for the gas to get there, the time I could have been doing some home work or just hanging out at the park.

I gave her my reasons and she thought my "friends" were only using me for my car and that I should start saying No to them on the Wednesday's I had therapy. She also suggested that I shouldn't give lifts to people who just show up at my car, set a time they need to come to me by lunch and ask if they could get a ride after school and also if the rode in the car to pitch in a little gas money.

I was scared that once I said anything to those people I would be less popular in no time and go back having no friends. I agonized over this for a few days.

So Monday afternoon came and so did the people who wanted to go home with out taking a bus to my car. I decided I would make up something that I had to go to so they wouldn't come along. But they got into my car anyway. I told them I wasn't going to my house and that they would need to leave my car. They still sat there waiting for me to start the car. 

I said that whom ever rides in this car from that day forward must pay me 1-2 dollars a day for the extra side trips. Still they sat in my car. I also said that from that day forward they must come to me before 4th period and ask if it was ok to catch a ride with me at least a day in advance.

Most grumbled about the money bit, poor little rich kids, but some reached into their pockets and gave me a few dollars for the gas. I was surprised at the revelation. I took them off the school grounds, because I had really nothing to do besides homework at home to do.

A few days went by and most, but not all still showed up at my car with cash for gas and then I drove them home. A Tuesday morning, my friend Ant, came by and asked if he could get a ride the next day. It was the day of my therapy. I asked where he needed to be dropped off and he said some place other than where I was headed. I told him that I couldn't take him because I needed to be some place at 3 and he nodded and went away.

I felt empowered over hearing myself say No. Rejecting some one and feeling proud and happy that I actually did it. I held my breath the next day to see if he would talk to me at lunch. He did for a minute or two and then he left. The next day was Friday and I went to him and asked him if he needed a ride down to at least where the buses ran more frequently to his home and he said sure.

Most of the other people went with other friends that had cars because they could show up and not be pressed for gas money or a days notice for a ride down to their homes. Yes, I my fear was made true, I did have less friends because I didn't give them free rides anymore, but I learned to say "No" and my friend Ant is still my friend to this very day.

Pinning #HAWMC

Here are my Three "Pins":

I didn't pin anything dark or depressing, nor pills or pill bottles because that is what every one expects some one to pin about depression. I chose to do the positive words for a messed up mind.

The first one is the girl that says "My beauty comes from having my own style, living my own way and knowing my own mind." For a long time I had a negative self image. Most of my childhood was spent being looked down and tormented, being bullied because I was the easy mark. My clothes and my childhood home made me that way. The depression that I didn't know existed at the time, led me at seven years old telling a roommate my mother had that I wanted to kill myself. I am here so I didn't follow through. I don't think my "AH-HAH" moment came until I was looking at my eldest daughter and I had to break the cycle and say that I am different and I am beautiful. Like they say in recovery, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for the person you love first and then it will be second nature for you to do it for yourself.

The Second one I pinned states, "Nothing is impossible, the word it self says I'M POSSIBLE!" and that is by Audrey Hepburn. When you are in a cycle of depression and self flagellation, you think everything is impossible. Impossible to wake up for work, impossible to feed yourself, impossible to go forward with things that make you happy in your old life. Trust me, when you are depressed, you look back on the happy weeks as a different time span, almost like a parallel universe to where you don't understand what's going on. Almost a Ms. Jeckle, Depressed Hyde personality. I feel I border on M.P.D. Multiple Personality Disorder because I sometimes don't remember what ever happened the day before as if it was some one else's life.

The last is a picture of a bright sunny day and a few flowers reaching to that sun for energy and warmth. I feel like that when I come out of a cycle of depression or just got on to medication that I can feel lifting me out of that funk. Like smiling for no reason or knowing my head isn't weighted down by a funk, is a great clear moment.

I am a bit tired now. If you want to follow me for other reasons on Pintrest or need an Invite please  (I heart technology now a days!)

Theme Song #HAWMC The Facts of Life

You take the good, you take the bad, 

you take them both and there you have 

The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life. 

I think my theme song would have to be the theme song to "The Facts of Life". Yeah, it was written about teenage girls however with Bi-Polar and Postpartum depression I think there is a point where you have to see that its not just the good or the bad; its that there is a grey world and you need to live with it in order to survive. Its also not that simple to see when you are neck high in an episode and the world seems like there is no where to go but in a downward spiral.

Watching TV as a kid I always envied the way things were wrapped up at the end of a 30 minute episode. When one was depressed, they didn't have to take pills, they didn't have to see a therapist; if they did it was for 10 minutes and the world was a lot better and ended with a group hug of some sort. Unlike reality, one could split up the dramatic episodes so the audience didn't have to feel like it was their reality. It just meant that they could sucker you in for another 30 minutes with 10 minutes full of re-capping. Then end again in a positive note. 

Escapism, the cheapest form of mental relaxation for a little girl who's whole life was one of those painful episodes. I waited for the group hug, the "it will be all right", the laugh track to say something, the feeling that everything is ok by some one that loved me, especially my mother. Not one of these came to being. I really felt that nothing was going to be all right. I wanted to wake up in the morning to a different life. Even pretended that I was some of the characters on TV a few times, but could never, ever be what I wanted life to be. Simple and Happy.

I secretly wanted to be Blair. Who did you want to be?

Dear 16 year old Bella #HAWMC

I wrote to my sixteen year old self a month ago, however I wanted to write something for my eldest daughter Bella for this exercise.

Bella "Age 16" future

Dear Bella,

My have you grown. I am writing this in 2012 when you are just shy of your 3rd birthday, I know its too early in your life to comprehend a subject like depression and I hope you never will. When I was 16 my mental health wasn't the greatest. I had major issues with my brain that I couldn't figure out. I also wanted to talk about it with my mother, your grandmother about, but she would not listen. I hope our relationship is better and we can talk about everything you want me to know about.

When I was 15 years old, my biological father sent me a packet of information about a metal issue called Bi-Polar Manic Depression. I like the analogy of a roll-a-coaster. Some days you can be very, very happy, and the next very, very sad. Sometimes the days can last for weeks. I didn't know why this was important to me at this age and you are probably wondering why this is important to you. It is important because its something that can be controlled and with out medication, therapy and a lot of support, it can control your life without a care and feeling of failure that you are doing something wrong. And you are not. Its hard to grasp when you have hormonal changes going through your body, yet another thing to think about. At first I thought I was a hormonal mess and thought my brain was going to explode.

When the doctor talked to me about the treatment of this condition, I was very overwhelmed. I figured that I was living in a world where I created chaos, my mother (your grandmother) added to it and and I felt I never could get out of the pit of darkness.

He told me about medication, two pills, Lithium and Prozac that could make my mood a bit more stable, a clam I never knew. When I first took them I didn't realize the effect that it was happening to me. I didn't feel different. I still felt like screaming in my pillow at night and the lack of support from your grand mother was very apparent.

When I was in school one day, in Spanish class, (I was a few weeks into my new treatment and feeling a little better in my brain), another teen was chewing out the Spanish teacher for not really teaching us a proper Spanish instead of exploring our feelings. A few minutes into this he turns to me and says, 'This is the first time I have ever seen you smile'. I looked at him with astonishment. I was smiling? A few days later he told me that it was very weird to see me smile and at that point he was astonished that I was smiling with out cause.

As that day drew to a close I had a new found thing I thought I could never do. Smile just because.

While you are probably rolling your eyes and saying what does this have to do with me, I'll tell you that it may be genetic and a lot of work is being done, so there might be a pill to better suit your needs with out trial and error, horrid side effects and the feeling of failure that comes with the fact that you don't have to miss a dose of medication and not have to start a day, a week, a month later.

I love you,
Mommy (or Mother)

Keep Calm and Take Your Pills #HAWMC

Today the assignment was to create a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster about the health issue I am blogging about. I couldn't think of one for me as a Bi-Polar person, so I made the poster on the left hand side.

I thought about the countless pills one has to take for Bi-polar Mania and other diagnoses of depression. How the Medical Community feels like the pills and talking for us about the  past for an hour every week, two weeks or a month are enough to become "normal" and "well adjusted" in society. To me its not good enough.

I feel sometimes that when I walk into my provider's practice, they care more about the time frame that you spend in their office chair than you the person. The random nice questions go in one ear and out the other, the bottom line is what they care about.

"Do you have enough pill to last until the next time I see you in a month?" "Do you feel any of the side effects of that pill(s)?" "Do you feel like you should be on Brand X when Brand Y is better?"

I feel like they are saying to me "Take the Pills and Just be Happy" that you are not in some third world where I would be dead by now. I know over the top drama, but in a way I can hear that in their tone of voice when they are saying "Times up, see you in 4 weeks!".

I knew the pills were working. My step dad commented on how numb to the world I became once I started to take the pills on a full time basis. He said he liked the vibrant person, the one laughing, making jokes, painting expressively (when I did paint). Now I was an observer, the person sitting in the back of the room at a party. Almost dead to the world.

Maybe it did make me numb, maybe I am a quiet person at heart and with the medication I am my true self. Because of the lack of medication my real self got scattered in the noise and caused an alternate universe, an alternate me.

Maybe I am happy by taking my pills?

My Husband is Awesome #HAWMC

Tuesday I wasn't feeling like I could go back to work. I went to work on my start date because I thought I was ready. I was not. This is how the conversation went: M = myself; H = Hubby

M: I don't feel I can go back to work
H: Are you sure?
M: Yes, I think my back problems are an issue, but not the whole deal
H: They (doctors) say sometimes you can have physical problems like your back hurting can be a symptom of depression.
M: Yea, true. I need to call my MD about it see what he says.
H: If you need more time, that's okay with me. At least you didn't pretend to go to work and wait for me and our kids to leave before coming back home. That is something I would have done.
M: I thought about it. However you would have suspected something with out Grace here.
H: Yep. Call the MD when they open and see what he says. You are doing the right thing and talking with me about this issue. I respect that more than if you didn't say anything. I love you.

Depression Tsunami #HAWMC

 All rights reserved by Michio Endo 

I don't know how to find a picture of depression. I didn't want to go the stereo typical black and white picture with a person's face on it. I thought that I had plenty of them in my own library of me staring at the camera blankly, no feeling while taking the picture. This picture is on or after the Japanese Tsunami that hit the country on March 11, 2011.

The picture of the tattered Violin (or Viola) represents the physical form of how one feels when they are in the mist of an episode. The tsunami of emotions shatters the mind into little fragments, making it hard to become whole again. The once beautiful gloss of the wood, the sound of pure joy it once held, now gone to another world. The feeling of isolation of the Violin is the same feeling one has towards people whom say that they are your friends and when you need them because of the depression, they aren't there. Gone to a different place, a different world even a different time. The longing of wanting to be back to the original before the perfect storm threw you into that storm is there. The feeling like you should know how to deal with it again and again as wave after wave keeps hitting you. Self doubt creeps in. Depression takes hold and a few hours, days, even months take hold and then you realize you are a tattered form of yourself washed up miles away from who you once were.

I write about my health issue because... #HAWMC

No one else will.

I think every one has a different story with depression, but it needs to be told. It needs to be in the minds of the people that think its made up like a monster in some child's closet. To end the tears of sorrow as another "friend" leaves because they don't understand what is going on. The distance co-workers give you as you walk down the hall one day in a joyful mood and the next in a hazy fog-like daze feeling like no one cares. You think maybe they do, however hurtful their words were, ending their friendships as fast as they began. Losing jobs because you have so little self esteem that you don't care about anything. Even breathing. Looking at death as a great alternative to silence critics in your brain.

thinkgeek.com

That is why I write. To get it out in the open so that no one feels alone. Even if I have only written now for four days, I feel like I have come out of the closet to the world about my shame. Something I tried to hide however because I am writing about this I am feeling like some one out there will see that they are not alone and do something to become the person that they want to be, not some one who has to pretend to be the person that they think people want. All along I keep thinking that the people getting help for depression, no matter how severe, are the "normal" and the "abnormal" and "crazy" people are the ones who are out there with out treatment.

"I Live in Your World, You Play in Mine." #HAWMC

The quote "I Live in Your World, you Play in Mine" actually is made up by myself. As I worked for Sony's PlayStation Store, they came out with a tagline of "You live in your World, You play in Ours". Or something like that. and I took it and made something new and kind of different.

The quote made me feel like I was taking back the stigma of being labeled "abnormal" in a "normal" world. It also was something that if I said it, people would think it sounded familiar, but not too familiar (so I wouldn't get sued by Sony). I use it today in my GMail Signature, however sometimes I delete it because I don't know how "normal" people would perceive the tagline especially coming from an adult that they know nothing about.

Though video games have saved me from going completely off the deep end. Say what you will about violent video games, but playing 30-40 minutes of Grand Theft Auto (in extreme cases) or Ratchet and Clank (which I play more often) has been very cathartic and allowed me to vent anger, frustration and act on feelings that I would not and could not act on in real life. See Violent Video games do help when given the chance to do positive work than the negative they always seem to get when something bad happens.

Time in a Bottle #HAWMC

The time 1:00 PM GMT, April 1, 2112, the place some where in the desert of what was known as the San Francisco Bay Area. The great archaeological find of the year has been unearthed due to construction of a major farm that promises to restore the great valleys of California due to the Cities of San Francisco and Los Angels being moved towards Hawaii in the great earthquake of 2100 dramatically shifting the ecosystem of .

One of the finds that was thought to be an inhabited area; scientists found a Time Capsule from the year 2012. As they took it back to their field lab, the box sprang open and a small note was at the top:

Dear Future,

Please do not judge.

I am a mother, a wife and a woman.

I have many problems.

Please look at this with an open mind,

people in this life look at Bi-Polar/Manic depression as the black death.

We are people just like you.

Yours Truly, Amanda

As they look onward they find sealed gallon zip-lock bags full of Medical journals, papers, finding and other documentation of the definitions and treatments of the condition. Some from the early 20th Century, which document the treatments of shock therapy for this "Bi-Polar/Manic" type of depression. In pill bottles they find little pink pills with the instructions on how to take the pills 3 times a day of a substance called Lithium, another dozen bottles of pills called Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Prozac, to name a few. a journal that documented the struggles of the woman called "Amanda". A USB device that once open, showed a website long forgotten. Reading it they found the struggles this person went through as a woman with depression. Struggling with the stigma and the necessity of keeping it quiet from the people in the "Normal World". And a few photographs of what looks to be a very healthy family of four laughing at what seems to be a park in old San Francisco.

At first the scientific community was baffled about this discovery. Depression was wiped out by the discovery of a genetic trait that could be turned off by the nano-bots given at birth in 2102. So this discovery it showed the lack of medical knowledge of the humans living 100 years ago. It validated a few ideas that the medical community had as they theorized that back then the doctors treated the symptoms and not the root cause of the genetic disorder. They marveled at the information that this capsule provided, a wealth of misinformation, once thought of as the definitive answer by giving harsh medicine to people to alter their thinking and perception of the world to now where a simple DNA test and nano bot correction can wipe out  anything and repair the broken links.

Health Activist Writer's Month Challenge #HAWMC

My focus will be on Bi-Polar Manic Depression and some of the Postnatal depression issues. Please don't judge this as a personal experience and I will be bearing my soul.

Hey everyone - I just wanted to tell you about a new activity I'll be doing this April. The Health Activist Writer's Month Challenge hosted by WEGO Health. I will be writing a post a day for all 30 days. I hope you'll join me in writing every day about health. It's going to be a lot of fun and I'd love to see what you have to say about each of the topics, too. All you have to do to join is sign up here: http://info.wegohealth.com/HAWMC2012 and you'll be able to start posting once April rolls around. Looking forward to writing with you!

Dear sixteen year old self,

Can you believe you are now 32? Have two daughters, a husband, a house, and the VW?

Me at 16 with my friend Winston

I know it seems far fetched because you are in the mist of a melt down. You will get help and medication for what you are finding out from your biological father about a chemical imbalance in your brain called Bi-Polar Mania. The medication will make things better, but our mom will not.

When you are 18, she will call the cops and have them place you under a 5150, though its hard for the doctors to find out what is wrong with you after the first 12 hours of being there. Some of them think our mom should be in here, not you. When you get back to your home, your mother is there with a restraining order not to go near her or your childhood home. All of this at the start of your last year in high school, how rude right?

You do graduate from Skyline High School with top honors. Both the Future Teachers and Preforming Arts magnate completions and honor roll cords. I think we were the first person to do such a thing in the schools history. I doubt that few will remember, but we will!

It took us a few more years to complete college than we had hoped. 1 year in City College and 5 years in San Francisco State University. You met a few friends, laughed and tried so hard to shed the awkwardness about you by reinventing yourself a few times. However it seemed not to work and the self doubt haunts you even to this day. 

You did get a job at the PlayStation Store San Francisco in the Metreon. Yup you get into video games. You actually meet your husband there, however don't know it yet, and meet another guy that will break your heart into a million pieces and runs back to Michigan. So when you see a tall handsome, blond hair, blue eyed guy that is just as shy, RUN AWAY! 

A few years later when you're about to turn 27, our mother dies and you lose your childhood home to fore-closer. You have days from when you find out that she has died to when they take it away, to prioritize the things that you want to take with you and the things you will never see again. And those decisions still haunt you till this day.

A year latter you get married and another year after that your first daughter is born. Bella is a great little girl and brings mountains of joy. So in 2011 you try once again and you have another daughter Grace and you decide to give her our mother's middle name as hers. 

Please do not be scared as this is even over whelming to your 32 year old self. Just know that you do not become what your mother has told you, however the bit about the girls were right. 

You are not crazy, you do become loved by yourself, and you are loved by others.