Sanity Pills - Crawling Back to Reality #HAWMC

I used to be shy about who knew about my Bi-Polar / Manic depression. Ever since I was a teen my step-father stated it was a declaration that made you different and made you a cast out of society. Like a scarlet letter or a sign that stated that I had some type of contiguous sickness that could be caught if people came close. I felt that way until I realized (around 17) that it made me who I was and wasn't shy about who knew I was taking medication. As I grew older and out of my mother's house, some in my life used to say that my problems could be handled with out medication and feeling depressed was a state of mind. I thought it was too so I stopped and for a month or two felt fine then crash and burn.

The medication made me more level. Though they did have a sedating effect that one would notice if you knew me pre medication intake. The dramatic me would become more level and quiet. It would calm me and when I felt the depression go away, I would stop taking them, going back to the dramatic me until I crashed and felt my way back to the bottle of pills that sat dormant on the computer desk. Feeling shame that I let myself get back to the places I hated about myself.

When I was pregnant for the first time I knew I couldn't take my harsh medication. I wasn't on it anyway because in the time from having a temp job to having a job with benefits, in the lapse I didn't have a prescription and I felt fine. Then after I had my eldest the floor went from under me.

The MD that prescribed the medication stated that I should be on the lowest dose the first day post par-tum. Unfortunately the nurses thought other wise and I ended up getting the full dose. Boy did I feel like I was a Zombie. I couldn't describe to you how I felt but it put my paranoia up to 100. When I got home it was made worse. I would cry and cry. I think there were a few points where I stopped crying when my eldest slept I didn't cry but when she cry I felt like some one was stabbing me in the heart. My husband also saw the Zombie in me. He would comment that the only time I was myself was when the medication wore off at night just before I took my pill again.

I took myself off those pills. I felt 200 times better, almost "normal" even though there were a lot of rough patches. More than a few times I went out side the apartment and decided never to go back in. The arguments my husband and I had in the rain with my young daughter clinging to his side. The guilt I felt when I saw her face.

I tried to go back on to Lithium. I really did. But I thought it would take a few months to get into it and then when I wanted to have another little one, it would take a few months detoxing my body and that wouldn't be pretty.

When I got pregnant with my youngest I promised my husband that I would go see the Therapist and get the medication issue straighten out. Again I was fine during my pregnancy, but lurking was the Amanda of old, the paranoid, anxiety filled person that was going to cause more damage to my eldest girls mind. I needed to change that. So I changed my doctors. And it was a lifesaver.

 

Not only did the fresh perspective help me, it helped my family. I am now on medication that helps me through the rough patches, and a tot that actually isn't so afraid that when mommy leaves out of the door, she'll know that I will be back.