Sanity Pills - Crawling Back to Reality #HAWMC

I used to be shy about who knew about my Bi-Polar / Manic depression. Ever since I was a teen my step-father stated it was a declaration that made you different and made you a cast out of society. Like a scarlet letter or a sign that stated that I had some type of contiguous sickness that could be caught if people came close. I felt that way until I realized (around 17) that it made me who I was and wasn't shy about who knew I was taking medication. As I grew older and out of my mother's house, some in my life used to say that my problems could be handled with out medication and feeling depressed was a state of mind. I thought it was too so I stopped and for a month or two felt fine then crash and burn.

The medication made me more level. Though they did have a sedating effect that one would notice if you knew me pre medication intake. The dramatic me would become more level and quiet. It would calm me and when I felt the depression go away, I would stop taking them, going back to the dramatic me until I crashed and felt my way back to the bottle of pills that sat dormant on the computer desk. Feeling shame that I let myself get back to the places I hated about myself.

When I was pregnant for the first time I knew I couldn't take my harsh medication. I wasn't on it anyway because in the time from having a temp job to having a job with benefits, in the lapse I didn't have a prescription and I felt fine. Then after I had my eldest the floor went from under me.

The MD that prescribed the medication stated that I should be on the lowest dose the first day post par-tum. Unfortunately the nurses thought other wise and I ended up getting the full dose. Boy did I feel like I was a Zombie. I couldn't describe to you how I felt but it put my paranoia up to 100. When I got home it was made worse. I would cry and cry. I think there were a few points where I stopped crying when my eldest slept I didn't cry but when she cry I felt like some one was stabbing me in the heart. My husband also saw the Zombie in me. He would comment that the only time I was myself was when the medication wore off at night just before I took my pill again.

I took myself off those pills. I felt 200 times better, almost "normal" even though there were a lot of rough patches. More than a few times I went out side the apartment and decided never to go back in. The arguments my husband and I had in the rain with my young daughter clinging to his side. The guilt I felt when I saw her face.

I tried to go back on to Lithium. I really did. But I thought it would take a few months to get into it and then when I wanted to have another little one, it would take a few months detoxing my body and that wouldn't be pretty.

When I got pregnant with my youngest I promised my husband that I would go see the Therapist and get the medication issue straighten out. Again I was fine during my pregnancy, but lurking was the Amanda of old, the paranoid, anxiety filled person that was going to cause more damage to my eldest girls mind. I needed to change that. So I changed my doctors. And it was a lifesaver.

 

Not only did the fresh perspective help me, it helped my family. I am now on medication that helps me through the rough patches, and a tot that actually isn't so afraid that when mommy leaves out of the door, she'll know that I will be back.

Post-it Things We forget #HAWMC

For this I couldn't draw the world however when a person is depressed they forget that they need to be in the world around them and not against it. I would post it on every wall of my home and around the town. I hope that when I do get in to a depressive cycle that this post-it reminds me that I am needed in a larger sense then just in my little world.

Madlib #HAWMC - old-fashioned children's old-fashioned children

old-fashioned children's old-fashioned children

I zoom my hopes and all the pills knits book; 
I jog my dresss and all is bang again. 
(I march I call you up inside my daughter.) 

The afterthoughts go working out in helpful and mysterious, 
And bumpy cave obeys in: 
I end my doctor and all the jar vanishs mask. 

I allowed that you itched me into heart 
And promise me long, imagineed me quite wet. 
(I march I call you up inside my daughter.) 

stream kicks from the squirrel, bacon's soaps bake: 
hug pen and computer's mother: 
I end my doctor and all the jar vanishs mask. 

I yelled you'd gather the way you drop, 
But I escape substantial and I chase your rabbit. 
(I march I call you up inside my daughter.) 

I should have untieed a holiday instead; 
At least when hydrant opens they close back again. 
I end my doctor and all the jar vanishs mask. 

(I march I call you up inside my daughter.) 

- Amanda & Sylvia Plath

Depression Wiped Out by Nanobot Technology #HAWMC

Nanobot Technology wipes out Depression of All Kind!

April 20, 2035 - The New England Journal of Medicine will report that a sister team of Nero-scientists, Doctor Arabella Hunterson Ph.D. and Doctor Grace Hunterson Ph. D. have found that injecting nanobots into the body on a cellular level that are genetically guided to the DNA of the subject can successively switch off the coding for the depression, no matter how mild.

"Since the Human Genome project was concluded in 2020 it showed us that everything can be turned on and off with the proper coding. Our question was how to get the coding to the DNA structure with out harming the patient was a large concern for us. Our mother gave us the idea about the nanobots back when we were little," Reflects Dr. A. Hunterson, "She told us that a great way of looking at things was to go small like nanobots so we can see the big picture."

"The general question of this would be if the patient would have to be injected pre-conception in the mother and the father or post birth to get the maximum effect. Our research time and effort shows that the subject can be injected with the Depressive Bots at any stage in life, however to gain the maximum effect, the research shows that if injected with the Bots with in the first ten weeks of life, the subject has the best results and will be considered success in later life" Dr. G. Hunterson interjected, "Though more long term studies have to be conducted on the subjects and regular check-ups still have to be done, we are hopeful that in a few years the FDA will grant us clearance to make this a routine vaccination to all newborns just like the DTAP was when it was given to us."

The small test sample, the team reports, have been doing very well with no relapse.They have also stated that they themselves have tested the nanobots on a family member with success. And stated that the family member was the first in line after the FDA gave them the first clearance to do human studies back in 2030. They say that more details will be given in the NEJM when their paper is published in the September issue and will have further news conferences in their receptive fields as the months progress and they get further clearance from the FDA. They also have noted that these particular nano bots have only the power to change one link in the DNA structure, though they hope with time and further study that they can help aide the coding structures to turn off more defects, however they state that the bots will not be programmed to turn your eyes blue or hair blond. Its purely medical as of this moment in time.

You are invited to dinner with my friends. #HAWMC

Who would I invite to dinner if I had a dinner party for 5 people (both past and present)? 

The first would be Mark Twain. I would like to hear his view point on how the world is today. To hear his stories about the times he lived and maybe the people.

Sigmund Freud is the next person I'd like to invite because I would like his option on the world of psychotherapy in the next century. I would love to interact with the other people in the group and see what he thinks of the group.

Scarlett O'Hara. Ok I know what you think. Its a character from a book that was turned into a movie. But she was an influential person in my life. She was strong when she need to be and I think was a little bi-polar, and had postpartum issues. After all she had 5 kids (read the book).

The next two people are my husbands choice. You may know their work over their names. They brought you alternate current and direct current, they brought you ways to see at night. 

That's right if you guessed Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla, you win... umm... a pat on the back. He just wants to see them argue about who stole who's patents. I would have them sit with Freud for a while so that they could talk it out and see what really went on and if they had parent issues. 

Why Not? #hawmc

Have you read this book? Neither did I until my daughter got this for her second birthday. Its about a Naked Mole Rat that likes to wear clothes when the status quo of Mole Rats is to remain Naked.

The main character Wilbur says "Why Not?" to the argument of the three other characters stating Naked Mole Rats Don't Wear Clothes.

When people tell me to feel something other than what I am feeling I ask "Why Not?" Why not feel sad? Its a valid emotion, everyone feels it at one point in their lives. I've realized you can't force it down into the pit of an empty void in the soles of your feet, or in the small of your back, what does that get you, a ticket to see a specialist and a pill bottle full of pain killers. Never addressing the real problems of life. It does hurt to a degree but why not feel emotion? Its fully in a person's right to feel happy but not sad? I know in the Declaration of Independence that there is the pursuit of happiness, but what if some one's happiness at a point in life is to be sad? To feel the pains and hurt. Some authors actually wrote their best work while depressed. Would you have told Kurt Vonnegut, hey  I think you are too sad; take these pills and your troubles would go away. With pills I meant Lithium and other anti-depressants. I don't think the books he was famous for would have been written. Maybe they would, but wouldn't be as popular if they were happy and joyful would they? Why Not? Because when some one feels raw emotion, it comes out in their writings.

Why Not?

NO! #hawmc

NO. Such an easy word to say? My toddler says it all the time. Maybe I did too when I was a kid. As a teenager I didn't know boundaries, I knew right from wrong, what inappropriate things were on the list of NO-NO's for myself. However my thoughts were screwed up when it came to my friends.

See I had a car, they didn't. I had to go to places, they didn't. So to keep them being friends with me I drove them to their homes almost every day. Thankfully they lived in the same area, but most lived in the Hills, and driving a manual 1963 VW bug, yeah there were some stalls. I paid for gas myself, mostly out of a summer job and occasionally though my allowance during the school year. I don't remember it being $1.36 a gallon, at some independent stores had Fridays were it was .99 Cents. By the way this was in 1997.

The massive crowd of people would gather around my car on Wednesday's would appear right after the ending bell at 2:35 pm. We got out early, however the AC Transit buses, that took majority of the students home didn't show up on school grounds until 3 pm, if the buses were early it was 2:55 pm, so if you had a car you were obviously popular with the bus crowd. 

During that same year I was going to therapy more and more on a weekly basis because of the teenage hormones, troubles with my mother, my childhood, my diagnosis of Bi-polarity Mania, also every so often they drew blood to see how my body was tolerating the harsh drugs and to see if I need more of one verses the other.

I scheduled most of the therapy sessions on Wednesday's because I could get there by 3 pm and still be home in time to do my homework. That conflicted with the other priority, driving people home. Most sessions I made it there on time, ok maybe 1-2 minutes late but nothing big. Then there were days were I was late 10 minutes and that cut into my time. The therapist told me when that happened I would only get the remaining minutes of the session, nothing more. I thought that was unfair. I was the one paying for the gas to get there, the time I could have been doing some home work or just hanging out at the park.

I gave her my reasons and she thought my "friends" were only using me for my car and that I should start saying No to them on the Wednesday's I had therapy. She also suggested that I shouldn't give lifts to people who just show up at my car, set a time they need to come to me by lunch and ask if they could get a ride after school and also if the rode in the car to pitch in a little gas money.

I was scared that once I said anything to those people I would be less popular in no time and go back having no friends. I agonized over this for a few days.

So Monday afternoon came and so did the people who wanted to go home with out taking a bus to my car. I decided I would make up something that I had to go to so they wouldn't come along. But they got into my car anyway. I told them I wasn't going to my house and that they would need to leave my car. They still sat there waiting for me to start the car. 

I said that whom ever rides in this car from that day forward must pay me 1-2 dollars a day for the extra side trips. Still they sat in my car. I also said that from that day forward they must come to me before 4th period and ask if it was ok to catch a ride with me at least a day in advance.

Most grumbled about the money bit, poor little rich kids, but some reached into their pockets and gave me a few dollars for the gas. I was surprised at the revelation. I took them off the school grounds, because I had really nothing to do besides homework at home to do.

A few days went by and most, but not all still showed up at my car with cash for gas and then I drove them home. A Tuesday morning, my friend Ant, came by and asked if he could get a ride the next day. It was the day of my therapy. I asked where he needed to be dropped off and he said some place other than where I was headed. I told him that I couldn't take him because I needed to be some place at 3 and he nodded and went away.

I felt empowered over hearing myself say No. Rejecting some one and feeling proud and happy that I actually did it. I held my breath the next day to see if he would talk to me at lunch. He did for a minute or two and then he left. The next day was Friday and I went to him and asked him if he needed a ride down to at least where the buses ran more frequently to his home and he said sure.

Most of the other people went with other friends that had cars because they could show up and not be pressed for gas money or a days notice for a ride down to their homes. Yes, I my fear was made true, I did have less friends because I didn't give them free rides anymore, but I learned to say "No" and my friend Ant is still my friend to this very day.