WORD! #HAWMC

 So this is my word cloud. I am glad it picked up the word Depression as this whole month I have bared my soul to the world. There is more work to be needed out there for the de stigmatization of this terrible condition.

Meat and Potatoes #hawmc

At a church dinner on a Wednesday night, the only hot meal during the week I would have; I sat by my mother.

A keep up the appearance that we were a family. My teacher came and asked me about my excitement about a school trip that was up coming. My mother didn't know; she looked at me with disgust. Later that night I was yelled at and hit me. I ran to my room to hide; my mother pulled out a bottle of brandy.

The First Time I... #HAWMC

I would like to tell you about the first time I told someone that I wanted to die.

I know its a subject that people don't want to read about however depression strikes at any age.

I was 7 or 8 years old. I don't remember the exact time however my mother was gone somewhere and wasn't going to be home until the next day. My mother rented out the downstairs as an In-law unit and the person was home.

I waited for a little while before I went to give her the mail that came that day. She usually picked it up after her dinner. I was lonely, I ate dinner by myself. Maybe it was Denty Moore Beef Stew (cold from a can) or a frozen hospital meal, that my mother brought home from work the week before. I don't really remember.

I picked up the mail and knocked at the door. She opened the door and her dog came to say "Hi!", and the cat she had came around for a pet then walked to her perch by the window and sat down to clean herself.

"Here's your mail Jen." I say after I sit down to accommodate the dog wanting to be close to me.

"Thank you sprout! How was your day?" She said clicking her retainer back in her mouth and put the unopened mail next to a glass.

"OK, I guess."

"Just OK? You look a little down to me."

"Maybe. Hey Jen, do you believe that heaven is a place where you go when you die?"

"Umm, not really sure what you mean?"

"I want to die, Jen. I want to go away from this world."

"Oh Amanda," She comes and gives me a hug, "You shouldn't think that, have you told your mom?"

I shake my head no.

"Your dad?"

Again I shake my head no.

"Oh dear, this life is a rough one for you." Jen was still holding me, and then I started to cry.

After a few minutes I got up, thanked her and went to my room. Set my alarm and went to bed.

How do you dress "American"?

My daughter Bella goes to daycare and every year they have a week where they celebrate the kids by calling it "The Week of the Child". I think it's like when I was a high school student it was called "Sprit Week".

PJ day, Hat day, Crazy Hair day, Mix and Match day, however it always ends on Friday with Heritage Day. And that's today.

I think it's great to celebrate where your family comes from. Knowing your roots and their journeys to America allows one to connect with the past. In our families case it's a bit tougher.

On both our side of the family we have lived somewhere in America for 9+ generations on either side.

My husband on his Maternal father's side to pre Revolutionary America.

My paternal's side can be traced back to the French-Indian War (the guy got drugged and taken from France. Then he deserted the war and set up a home near present day Thunder Bay (not really sure of the location, really)).

On my husband's father's side the ties to South San Francisco, CA go back to a few generations then they go to Italy, as the story goes, the guy was traveling on a ship to Peru, got to drunk the night before his stop, and woke up just as the ship was leaving for San Francisco and when he got to San Francisco he decided to stay.

So the question is how do I dress up my daughter for Heritage day when America is her heritage? Do I dress her up as a Gypsy and try to explain to the parents that she does have some Gypsy blood in her, or do I go Norwegian, Cech Republic, French, Irish, English, French-Canadian? Or do I go the state route South Dakota? Wisconsin? Minnesota? Michigan? Illinois? California? Or some where in between?

Also this year we have homework, well Bella has homework from Day Care:



We don't know what to put on it, well we can appease the daycare and put random flags, pictures of our family, but unless we find a map of the world and glue it on or even printout the family tree to show the depth of her heritage it sucks for us, the parents.

I'll update this with the finished product once we figure out what we are going to do. As it is due Monday.

How do you tell your kids about your heritage? Do you hyphenate as in "I am an (place)-American" or you do what my husband's grand father did, when they took the Census one year, and just say "I am an American"? I can tell you when I heard that was pretty stoked because that is what we all are American.

Challenges and Victories the top 5 of each #hawmc

The top 5 challenges:

5) Some people do not believe that it is a continuous illness. That once one is happy again they will never get it again and forget that it can be a pattern for many more episodes.

4) There are people who have depression that don't take care of themselves by seeking help or taking medication. I feel like I am the sane one in a sea of crazy people because I am getting help and they are not and take their own lives or kill people because some thing snapped in their brains.

3) Trial and error of medication. Some times for depression you have to take 4 or 5 different medications before one or two take hold. The side effects can harm the person taking them or do nothing.

2) Some people feel that its a shameful, horrid thing that is not talked about in families and you are an outsider if you talk about it with anyone.

1) People with depression "look normal" because there is no limp, wheel chair, walking device or physical sign of depression. I think more people take other disabilities more seriously because there is a physical element to their disability. Since depression is a mental illness its hard for other people to "see" that you are not "normal".


The top 5 victories:

5) More research is being done to prove it has a genetic link for having depression. I know my mother was depressed (and came from a long line of depressive personalities) and my father and his father were Bi-polar/Manic, so when I heard that there were studies being done to see what the genetic link could be I jumped at the chance. So if and when my daughters have any type of depression, they can get medication tailored to them. They don't have to have bad side effects or harsh medication in their systems to try to see if it works.

4) It's being accepted as a disability, yes I know I stated in my number 1 challenge that its hard to see physically, however there are more medical studies, medical doctors out side the psychiatric community that can spot the early signs of depression or "blues", because some times it can cause physical illness that can be seen.

3) More Social Media Exposure. Blogs, Twitter and Facebook, just to name a few, have groups that people can connect with talk about their experiences, help guide other people just starting to find out information of the new diagnosis they recived and having community established. One such community is #ppdchat on Twitter.

2) Family acceptance. Here I go again stating a contradiction to the number 2 challenge, however if one person in the family becomes aware of the diagnosis, they can ask about other links to the past. Maybe an aunt that drank to be happy, an uncle that took illegal drugs to stop the talking in his head. By talking to my family members, I found out a wealth of information about different people I never met, but genetically linked that had some type of depression. Most of them drank alcohol as medication, more socially accepted then depression.

And the number one victory?

1) Myself. over my 32 years of life, I know how my body works. What can trigger my depression, what I can do to help me manage depression. It's not a 100% system. A new situation occurs, a bill that's not paid or my youngest screaming in the car for 20-30 minutes straight can be a very bad situation, however I have built a good support network, my husband knows and does help when its needed so I don't crawl into a hole, like the underside of the house and only come out on leap years (that would be awkward for the people that bought our home after my husband and daughters moved out?).