Russian Roulette #HAWMC

Today is a free day of writing. It is also 3 days before my mother's birthday. It is also the fifth year anniversary of her death. The causes were natural, no autopsy preformed due to the fact that she was badly decomposed. You see, she died alone. No one really knows what day she died. No one knows what time. The Oakland police were called because she had not come out of her house in days, there was a smell of death in the air around my childhood home.

I didn't know she passed until my step dad called and said to call a phone number. The morgue picked up on the other end of the line.

"Hello, Oakland Police Department - Coroner's office, how may I help you?"

"Um, my name is Amanda P. I was told to call about my mother Lynn..."

"I am sorry to have to tell you this, we found her body in her home. She had been dead a while. We'd like you to come in to claim a few things that we took to identify the body. When can you come in?"

"Umm, tomorrow, I guess.. right now I'm at work. What time do you open?"

I tell my boyfriend, I tell my step dad. They both go in with me to the Coroner's office.

The officer in charge explains to me what happened. They hand me a manila envelope with my mother's ID card, a couple of credit cards, the travel carrier that she called a purse. They tell me that they are going to send me a check in the mail for the money that was found in the purse. $25 dollars and some change, they account off of a few things from the day they found her body.

I am numb to the world. I find out I have only weeks to clear out what I want to take from my childhood home, leaving books, furniture, an early 1900 Singer Sewing Machine. The kind that was foot powered. The house being foreclosed on May 1, 2007.

The nights painful to sleep, raw with emotion, terrified to close my eyes because I still saw my childhood home. The hallway to her room. I reach for the door. I open it and that is when I wake up screaming. My boyfriend tries to comfort me. I sob uncontrollably. The same month my step Grandmother dies.

Three more deaths during the year make me dread the ringing of my telephone in the middle of the night. I am very aware of my Grandfather's mortality, of my step dad's mortality, of mine. I quit my job. I lose 20 pounds. I become a shut in. Depression takes hold and I force myself to get help after 3 months of not seeing anyone except my boyfriend and my father.

In October I fly back to Minnesota. I told myself, if my grandfather asks I'd move there to take care of him. He was the only family I had left. He told me to go back to California, live my life. Be happy.

He passed away in 2010. Now I feel alone in the world, even when I have two daughters, a husband and a few friends that I haven't yet met in real life.

Tears flow even now remembering the year 2007. The year of death.

Bella VS the Bell Pepper Review and Giveaway

How many times have you told your little one to "Eat your veggies or no treat after dinner"?

I have told that to Bella that many times about one vegetable in particular. Bell Peppers. Yes, Bell Peppers.

She's a good kid when it comes to other vegetables, broccoli, coli-flower, peas and carrots, along with her fruits, blueberries, banana's and oranges. Now you think I'm bragging.

You are probably thinking, 'She doesn't like one vegetable when my kids don't even like any of the ones you've stated above!' I would say that I am proud that my child loves to eat the fruits and veggies, however its a pain when I have to pick out the Bell Peppers because she doesn't like them in a dish of food or not make stuffed Bell Peppers because she refuses to eat everything because of the texture of the vegetable.

When I saw Copy-Kids, a DVD where kids are eating foods like Bell Peppers, Avocado, Apples, Oranges, Raspberries, Broccoli and other yummy foods, I thought it was a good chance to see if Bella would actually try eating Bell Peppers, I didn't expect her to love the vegetable right away, but give it a chance, because I know kids copying kids works.

How? Well, Bella went to a friends birthday party and there were Grapes on the table. Bella loves to eat them, her friend, the birthday girl did not. Her mother remarked for the last few months all she could get her to eat was bread and cheese. Well, Bella went up to the table and started to munch on the Grapes, so much so me and my husband were telling her to slow down and leave some for other people. When the birthday girl saw Bella eating them, she ran up to the table and started to munch on them herself. Her mother was over joyed at the sight and told us that we were welcome to come over and try this with different foods as well.

Copy-Kids are for kids 6 months to 5 years old (however an adult can learn from these kids as well). They feature kids around the same age range and they are super cute! Bella could relate to them as they looked like kids that went to her pre-school. The DVD is USDA approved and added to their Education and Training Materials Database for Pre-School Nutrition (link). The DVD won two children's excellence awards: Dr Toy Best of 2011 and Mother Approved Child Tested (MACT) of 2011.

The DVD total length is 115 minutes and the segments are about 8 minutes each of the foods (12 foods the 6 I mentioned above along with Carrots, Cucumbers, Blueberries, Strawberries and Tomatoes). In the DVD Extras there are out takes of the little ones being themselves and a message from Dr Jay Gordon, with tips on how to establish good eating habits with your little one in mind. I would HIGHLY suggest having the food available to try when seeing the DVD because once they start watching it they would like to do what they see and to be there to enjoy the food with them. Since Bella was having trouble with Bell Peppers I played that segment a lot more than the other segments because that was the vegetable that is the hardest one to have her eat.

How did the DVD work for Bella? See the video below to find out.

Now with a few more tries I think Bella will enjoy Bell Peppers!

Would you like a chance to win a DVD copy? Enter below and good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

*Note* I was not paid to do this review and was only given the DVD ($19.95 value) to do this review. My daughter was not forced to eat or say anything she didn't want to do. All Thoughts and videos were completed by myself.

Not that I dislike Haikus #HAWMC

Walking in the rain
Tears of sorrow flood my face
Motherhood

I'll stick with one poem.

Depression Tsunami #HAWMC

 All rights reserved by Michio Endo 

I don't know how to find a picture of depression. I didn't want to go the stereo typical black and white picture with a person's face on it. I thought that I had plenty of them in my own library of me staring at the camera blankly, no feeling while taking the picture. This picture is on or after the Japanese Tsunami that hit the country on March 11, 2011.

The picture of the tattered Violin (or Viola) represents the physical form of how one feels when they are in the mist of an episode. The tsunami of emotions shatters the mind into little fragments, making it hard to become whole again. The once beautiful gloss of the wood, the sound of pure joy it once held, now gone to another world. The feeling of isolation of the Violin is the same feeling one has towards people whom say that they are your friends and when you need them because of the depression, they aren't there. Gone to a different place, a different world even a different time. The longing of wanting to be back to the original before the perfect storm threw you into that storm is there. The feeling like you should know how to deal with it again and again as wave after wave keeps hitting you. Self doubt creeps in. Depression takes hold and a few hours, days, even months take hold and then you realize you are a tattered form of yourself washed up miles away from who you once were.

I write about my health issue because... #HAWMC

No one else will.

I think every one has a different story with depression, but it needs to be told. It needs to be in the minds of the people that think its made up like a monster in some child's closet. To end the tears of sorrow as another "friend" leaves because they don't understand what is going on. The distance co-workers give you as you walk down the hall one day in a joyful mood and the next in a hazy fog-like daze feeling like no one cares. You think maybe they do, however hurtful their words were, ending their friendships as fast as they began. Losing jobs because you have so little self esteem that you don't care about anything. Even breathing. Looking at death as a great alternative to silence critics in your brain.

thinkgeek.com

That is why I write. To get it out in the open so that no one feels alone. Even if I have only written now for four days, I feel like I have come out of the closet to the world about my shame. Something I tried to hide however because I am writing about this I am feeling like some one out there will see that they are not alone and do something to become the person that they want to be, not some one who has to pretend to be the person that they think people want. All along I keep thinking that the people getting help for depression, no matter how severe, are the "normal" and the "abnormal" and "crazy" people are the ones who are out there with out treatment.

Super Power? #HAWMC

dunna nunna na "Bat Mom"

The super power I would want to have would be the power to take away the disorder from people and give it to the people who say its a "phase" or "get over it; its all in your mind" or "your faking because you were acting 'normal' the other day.

Yes its all in my mind, no I'm not faking it and what the heck is 'Normal' anyway?

Step into my mind for a day and I'll show you a world of hurt, disorder and confusion. See if you can try and come close to your standard when you are looking at your newborns face and can't seem to connect because there is some invisible wall right in front of you and you feel powerless to get to the other side. Or when you stare in to the black deep waters of an ocean and think that it would be painless and no one would miss you if you were dead. I've been there. Its not a pretty site to see. Sometimes it feels like the only way out of that brain.

Yep, I think I would relieve that pressure from a Manic mind, and give it to that person who is a "hater", unless they have it too and haven't had it diagnosed properly...

A Little Tikes "Bounce" into Summer - 15% off code

With Summer coming, the need to save my sanity and my pocket book with an active toddler on the weekends is fast approaching! The great people at Little Tikes have a great solution, a bouncer! Bella loves the "bounce house" (as she calls it) that her friend's grandmother has, which happens to be an older Little Tikes bouncer.

Bella getting ready to go down the slide

She would love one of her own. Her best friends mom, even made the comment that she wants a bouncer for their home because of all the enjoyment that her daughter gets out of it as well, plus the added benefit of exercise and a bit easier to get her asleep a bit faster!

I might have to talk my husband into getting the Rocky Mountain River Race because of the cool slides and the little pool where I can hang out with Grace so I can stay cool too!

Kids not included

Just plug in the code BOUNCE when you are ready to check out by April 30, 2012 and get 15% off, plus free shipping! 

*Note: I was not compensated for providing this promotion on my website.