been two years

The hurt is still there.

Two years ago in October, the X officially became the X. I guess after two years, you'd say, it is in the past, hurt? What hurt? However last year it was survival mode. Find a job, hold the job. Feed the littles, feed one self.

This year I can process a few things in my brain that were under lock and key. However it will be a huge undertaking of self allowance of the past. However it will hurt and sting, I really do need to process it. Can't stand on my own two feet with out this processes. More later.

Allergies

Ever since my 35th birthday my body has become my worst enemy.

It just was dairy. 

Now its Shellfish, dairy and nuts.

Hahaha nuts. Dirty minds. 

I hate having to watch what I eat. 

Ocular migraines have started. While I was driving. Oh the joy of eating food and playing russian roulette with people's lives. Especially mine. I hate allergies.

I feel yucky and I end up itching all over my body. Breaking out in red rashes. The sore throat that follows every attack. Even when I drink water, it still feels like it will never go back to normal.

Though it does. I still can't leave the house without benadryl. I am thinking about getting an epi-pen. Never really thought that my life may go that direction, however today with the ocular attack, I may have to.

Did I tell you all I hate allergies?

Bread finals

My 6 weeks is almost up in bread class. Obsessively I've been thinking about everything I've done and everything that I would have learned if the class size was cut in half. Panic attacks and worrying that I wouldn't pass because my big claims didn't match to the expectations of my teachers standards. I'll be happy if I get a B in the class. B for Bread. Just survive till Thursday and then it will be Cakes class. I hopefully will get a better grade in this class. Then its off to Math!

Thinking.

Having one of those thinking days.

Evaluating my world, who I want to become, and who I want in my life.

Yea, just one of those days.

Nothing in particular is coming to mind when I actually sit and stare at a blank wall. I don't know if its just that time of the year when I expect something to happen and if and when it does is something I am having an issue with.

Or is it that my life is going smoother than it was last year or the year before and I really am decompressing all that yuck. Maybe I am waiting for a shoe to drop and gearing up for something that will never happen...

ohm...

Lost in the world

Need to have that feeling of being lost in the world again.

I feel that if I am grounded to one location that the walls are closing in on me. I've been very fortunate to be able to travel so much before the littles. I just would love to travel around with them. However I don't want to right at this minute. They are a little too young.

When I was 5, my mother took me to Europe (in the winter), and I don't remember everything that when on. She did however she passed away so I have only slivers of memories. that's why I don't want to subject my kids to that same experience until the little little is 10.

So where am I going to get lost to?

Where my heart is leading to is Japan, Canada, and India. I really want to go west. Yes I know the Irony is to go West to go to the East however I didn't make up the geographical terms. The easiest trip would be to Canada, to Vancouver, BC. Then to Japan, start north and end in the south east. Then off to India.

I still don't know i this is what the deal is with my life and the need for travel. I thought I'd seen the passport days gone since the birth of my littles. However I find peace and exhilaration when the jumbo jet is on the tarmac and the captain comes on the speaker doing the final prep for the flight attendants and then the unsteady beat of the wheels touching down in an unfamiliar place.

This time its not the need to explore as I truly wish it was, it is the need to escape for a few days, to clear my head and to enjoy life again the way I use to. Maybe I shouldn't be, however life pushes you and pulls you in different directions and hands you opportunities that one can not pass up.

So here I am lost in the world and do not know where to go.

Any other worldly adventure seekers out there?

I'm happy when it rains

Today has been one of those days where I wanted to go outside and sit in the rain while it was falling outside the classroom window. However I did not.

Strangely, rain is calming to me. Not the bit track of "mountain rain" that helps little babies fall asleep, even though it relaxes me too, but there is something about rain falling from the sky and soaking every inch of my body. 

Hearing it crash against glass windows, the sporadic to steady beat and then back again as the clouds move in the sky. The feel of cold water splashing against my skin is intoxicating. 

The way after a hot and humid day, the rain brings cool soft air and a relief of what is needed.

And yes I do stand out in the cold rain and do get soaked on occasion. I also like to drive my car somewhere and let the raindrops hit the roof of the car. If I did have a porch I would be sitting on a porch swing and breathing the fresh damp air that comes with the rain and just enjoying being in a moment of balance.

Bakery and a small Resturant plans

working name for bakery

While going to school I have a great wealth of insight of what I want to do to earn a living. Mostly I am drawn to the bakery scene, however I wanted to open up the space to have a small restaurant, maybe adding more chaos to the fire than I'd like however I may just have the bakery first then open the restaurant later.

working name for restaurant

I don't know what to call them however a friend of mine gave me the idea of Amanda Roux (play off of a nickname I have at school). I kind of like that however my eldest is (as you all know) Bella and I could play off her name and name my small restaurant Bella Roux. I then would have to name something after Grace my second daughter.

Any way, I thought of a concept for a bakery that opened up, not at the traditional hours that a bakery is usually opened early and closes early, but a bakery that opens up technically just after start of business day and closes just after dinner. It may or may not work because the bulk of the customers would be at noon and after 3 due to the dinner crowd. I say dinner crowd because that would be my target for the fresh baked bread and other sweets for their dinners. Hence the name Midnight Bakery.

My restaurant would be only opened 2-3 days a week and it would make small plates of variety of seasonal foods from around the world. Almost tapas style plates. Also would feature my breads and sweets from the bakery. Good tie in, right?

I am trying to make a design where I can buy a large space and divide it into two places in the front of house however keep the kitchen as one space however have more of a kitchen on one side and have the a baking kitchen on the other side.

rough draft of space

 Only time will tell when I will have this and where. I may just open it up in Oregon since space is a bit cheaper than California. However it depends on where everything is with the littles and my life after culinary school.