Broken

Mentally, physically, and spiritually broken. I thought I was healing in leaps and bounds; however my actions and fears have kept me from realizing that I have only started to crawl out of the hole that is my past. I know I have made strives to get from the shadows of the past however I am trying to run very hard to just fall flat on my face over and over again. 

I must realize that it's not a sprint I am going through however a marathon. I have gotten over one or two hurdles, but there are things I have just now realized that I need to be comfortable with myself before I let another in. 

Even so it would be nice to have some one in my life that I can go over to their place or mine and cook and have fun with. However in the mean time, I need to enjoy me, myself, and I. 

What to do this weekend

As some who read this blog know, I have gotten a bug to travel more, just not in the USA. However I can't do it now because of having no passport.

So, knowing that, my travels are really limited right now and I've got a lot of time.

Top 3 things to do this weekend:

1. Swim - got a JCC membership for me and the littles, so I'm going to be swimming every day that I don't have the littles.

2. Clean - I know I don't clean very well however I got to make some effort, right?

3. Play with SugarVeil - my friend Heather, who's staying with me for a little while, turned me on to this product. I am trying to see if I can do some Henna tattoo work on a cake idea I am working on.

Other than that relaxing at home and just trying to get everything in order for the next week or so.

My littles

Don't really talk about them too much on here. They are the lights of my life and wonder why I was blessed with them.

The oldest one actually has her own blog. I haven't updated it in a few years. I think because of a few thousand things that are happening in my life, that updating it seems to validate reality. She is almost old enough to write on it so maybe in a year she'll be the 6 year old with a voice and a place to vent it.

The youngest I thought I would start it any day now. I have enough time to recap almost 3 years of missed time.

Hopefully with three blogs and school and a part time job, I'll be able to do them justice.

I have always tried to make sure that I am the best parent, even at the darkest times, I have tried to not push the facts. When they ask me a question about life or why the X isn't here I try to answer enough for the "Why" question not to be asked. Or I'll pull the mom maneuver of next subject please and move on with life.

I keep thinking that I'm doing a disservice to them, by being bi-polar and having "bad days"; however they are pretty bright and the youngest has even just snuggled with me when I needed it. I think if I ever leave them I would make the worst mistake of my life and theirs. I think being bi-polar, I can look for the signs and get them help when it first starts and not just pass it off as a phase. Its going to help with they are pre-teens. Even now I want to take them and put them in therapy just so that the oldest can work out the issues with mommy and daddy not being in the same house, as she sees her friends.

Though I think now that the oldest is in Elementary on up, the world of mix and match parents will be more normal than at a small daycare. I hope she'll be able to see that it was for the best, even though I didn't want to get divorced, however it seems like the best decision I didn't have to make.

Life is but a dream

Sometimes I wonder if I am in a nightmare instead of a dream.

Panic attacks, feelings of isolation in a whole world of people, the feeling of disappointment at every failed friendship or relationship.

The people that I thought are my friends haven't called to find out if I am ok since taking a break from Facebook and only going on it once or twice a day to play a game. They seem to not care. Just the pure fact that out of the over 100 people that call themselves my friends, two to three really check up on me.

Life is a dream for most. However people like me its becoming a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I fear that the littles will take what I show them and live the nightmare over and over and over again.

I have friends that say call me anytime and then we can talk. I don't know if I do talk; they'll get frightened and think I am too crazy, well if they are reading this now I guess the cat's out of the bag, and run away and never come back.

At least my cats try and comfort me. I say try because there is only so much a cat can do before it needs to get up and walk away. I guess since they are house cats, they can't walk away too far away.

Panic Attacks and passports

Resently, well more frequently now, I've been getting panic attacks. Don't know why I just am. Now they happen when I wake up and when I am going to bed. Also my heart has been thumping weird during them. Again I don't know the reason, it just is doing weird beats. The other night I thought I was going to have to go to the ER just to be told my heart is "acting normal" and I "should take it easy". Maybe I should take the pills the MD gave me for anxity and call it a day. Maybe I should talk to a cardiologist about it. What do you all think??

In other news, I am reapplying for a passport. I have always thought of traveling the world again. I thought it would be a few years more that I would travel to another country, however just to go north or south of these borders the great US government has stated a passport is needed. Gurrr... So I took the first steps in applying for one again. Everything is in order. Just going to need a few things before my Sept 27th appointment to get the paper work turned in. Then the wait happens. Hurry up turn things in and then 6-8 weeks a blue book comes in the mail and I can, in the words of a song "I can travel the world"... Again. 

Where to go? I was thinking Japan, Canada, Ireland, or an around the world tour of just because. However the littles are on my brain so it might be just a few small trips for now. 

Chicken Thighs and Garam Marsala

in process

I made roasted chicken thighs with garam marsala this afternoon.

However since I am the only one that tasted it I can't have an honest opinion to tell you if its actually good or not. However it does smell good. I wish this was a scratch and sniff blog because you would love it.

I toasted the garam marasla before I put it on the chicken. I am actually working on another recipe with the garam marasla however thought I would try some other applications for it. I had some chicken and wanted to use it before it went south.

I guess I should show you a white plate and something off to the side. However I am a bit more rustic than a fine dining experience. 

Here it is the final product

I even used a white plate like I said I wasn't! I'm going to dig in...

open door policy

I feel like this sums up my friend and relationship existence. If people want to come into my life they can if they want to leave they can. Do to me being me though, I have to say the door is always open to anyone, except the people who are total douchebags ie the X or anyone that has screwed me over. They know who they are.

I just don't like people hanging out in the middle and leaving me wondering who or what they want from me. Some I know, they have some issues, well subscriptions, that they need to be somewhere in the middle to feel comfortable however it does get annoying and I really want to either push them in or out depending on the day, time or even second. 

I am working on not being in the middle of the doorway towards other people. I know it confuses them and having trust subscriptions (I rarely have issues any more), and how far I feel I can go without smothering them, really I do smother people if I get too caught up in their world. Less now however I can jump off the deep end.