Panic Attacks and passports

Resently, well more frequently now, I've been getting panic attacks. Don't know why I just am. Now they happen when I wake up and when I am going to bed. Also my heart has been thumping weird during them. Again I don't know the reason, it just is doing weird beats. The other night I thought I was going to have to go to the ER just to be told my heart is "acting normal" and I "should take it easy". Maybe I should take the pills the MD gave me for anxity and call it a day. Maybe I should talk to a cardiologist about it. What do you all think??

In other news, I am reapplying for a passport. I have always thought of traveling the world again. I thought it would be a few years more that I would travel to another country, however just to go north or south of these borders the great US government has stated a passport is needed. Gurrr... So I took the first steps in applying for one again. Everything is in order. Just going to need a few things before my Sept 27th appointment to get the paper work turned in. Then the wait happens. Hurry up turn things in and then 6-8 weeks a blue book comes in the mail and I can, in the words of a song "I can travel the world"... Again. 

Where to go? I was thinking Japan, Canada, Ireland, or an around the world tour of just because. However the littles are on my brain so it might be just a few small trips for now. 

Chicken Thighs and Garam Marsala

in process

I made roasted chicken thighs with garam marsala this afternoon.

However since I am the only one that tasted it I can't have an honest opinion to tell you if its actually good or not. However it does smell good. I wish this was a scratch and sniff blog because you would love it.

I toasted the garam marasla before I put it on the chicken. I am actually working on another recipe with the garam marasla however thought I would try some other applications for it. I had some chicken and wanted to use it before it went south.

I guess I should show you a white plate and something off to the side. However I am a bit more rustic than a fine dining experience. 

Here it is the final product

I even used a white plate like I said I wasn't! I'm going to dig in...

open door policy

I feel like this sums up my friend and relationship existence. If people want to come into my life they can if they want to leave they can. Do to me being me though, I have to say the door is always open to anyone, except the people who are total douchebags ie the X or anyone that has screwed me over. They know who they are.

I just don't like people hanging out in the middle and leaving me wondering who or what they want from me. Some I know, they have some issues, well subscriptions, that they need to be somewhere in the middle to feel comfortable however it does get annoying and I really want to either push them in or out depending on the day, time or even second. 

I am working on not being in the middle of the doorway towards other people. I know it confuses them and having trust subscriptions (I rarely have issues any more), and how far I feel I can go without smothering them, really I do smother people if I get too caught up in their world. Less now however I can jump off the deep end.

Bread on my brain

There are two breads I want to make for my school project. I guess I'll tinker with the later once I get the first one done. Dough, especially bread or pie, has been my focus during the classes I have been taking at school. I have been looking forward to the bread class since I knew it existed. I also opened my mouth when I didn't know the teacher was behind me, oops.

Its been a rollercoaster of a class. First week I was stuck in a panic attack because the class was SUPER big. After being in classes of 6 people, 25 right off the bat made me panic. I guess since Foundations 2 had 30 people, it was a shock to people that knew me, I was having panic attacks. I didn't really care that I passed or got low marks because foundations 2 was all about sauces and side dishes, who would need the know how in a pastry setting, to cook risotto.

This class is the Breads class, taught by a teacher that has a humor side however knows when to get down to business. Which I really like in teachers and want to emulate in some respects if I become someone's mentor. She's awesome. However I just don't know how to deal with it in a large class. I had to segregate myself to a small table near a window just to be calm enough to get through the day. I don't know why, just happened that way. Got an awesome view of West San Francisco.

Lost and Found

I think this is fitting, at least for me. It is hard to say I need help or I really need someone to listen to me rather than the one that does all the listening. It is easy for me to shut down and distance myself from the masses to not hurt them or say something really mean to them and I can't take their friendship back. 

I have pulled away from a bunch of social networking sites because the people there weren't listening or if they were keeping silent because they didn't know what to say or do with me. All they had to do was send me a virtual hug or send me a text with "what's going on? are you doing anything? want to talk on the phone?" Or even Skype once and a while.

Baking has helped, being lost in the making of the dough, not thinking of the worries that are outside my class room door. Being in a world that doesn't involve the hub bub of the real world, I can just be me. Everyone sees a different side of me however I can't just "Be me " as a friend put it. I really do try, however like I said in a previous post, people want me to be a certain way and then I have to be that way. When I change to my true self, people get confused and then they are the one's that get another persona so I just bow to their will. What a life?

Dating? What do you mean??

I really don't like the dating scene. Never really did. 

Getting all pretty for a night of awkwardness is not my idea of fun. 

However it seems in a way I miss having someone to talk to, to get pretty for (even if it is for an hour or two), to laugh about a random thing that happened during the day and find out what happened in his life that day as well. To share common interests and to enjoy just being with that person.

It is hard when I spend most my time at home shut in a world of Dr. Who and Farmville 2. I don't know if I am ready for it though. To boldly go where a lot of people have gone before. I have a few profiles on sites, however none of the guys spark my interest. 

Maybe I am not ready for the dating world. Probably suits me better than that of a desperate woman in search of Mr. Wrong, than waiting for Mr. Right and missing that once in a lifetime chance for happiness.  Also I figure that I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with another. And I haven't figured out that formula yet.

Adding a bit more color

Adding a bit more color to my wardrobe hasn't been easy.

Like all good things it takes time and a scene of fashion, which I really lack, Especially being "girly". So I have found a few outfits that have caught my eye. Yes they are of Indian decent however they are beautiful and I don't mind wearing them out. I actually did a few times. I just need some nice shoes to make them all go together.

I really like the outfits because I don't have to match anything. It's all ready done for me. The pants under the dress and the dupatta (the scarf).  No running around trying to find matching or coordinating things. Just one stop for the person on the go.

I found these lovely outfits on a website I was very hesitant to get the sizes that they stated I should wear because with out going to an actual store and trying some things on to find the fit I need, I ordered them a size bigger and one I should have ordered two sizes bigger (I need to get one in a bigger size however I am still waiting on one more).

Over all I am happy and they are very comfy to wear. I am going to stick with the ones I have for now because they fit and the weather is perfect for them and they are not cheep.