Bread on my brain

There are two breads I want to make for my school project. I guess I'll tinker with the later once I get the first one done. Dough, especially bread or pie, has been my focus during the classes I have been taking at school. I have been looking forward to the bread class since I knew it existed. I also opened my mouth when I didn't know the teacher was behind me, oops.

Its been a rollercoaster of a class. First week I was stuck in a panic attack because the class was SUPER big. After being in classes of 6 people, 25 right off the bat made me panic. I guess since Foundations 2 had 30 people, it was a shock to people that knew me, I was having panic attacks. I didn't really care that I passed or got low marks because foundations 2 was all about sauces and side dishes, who would need the know how in a pastry setting, to cook risotto.

This class is the Breads class, taught by a teacher that has a humor side however knows when to get down to business. Which I really like in teachers and want to emulate in some respects if I become someone's mentor. She's awesome. However I just don't know how to deal with it in a large class. I had to segregate myself to a small table near a window just to be calm enough to get through the day. I don't know why, just happened that way. Got an awesome view of West San Francisco.

Lost and Found

I think this is fitting, at least for me. It is hard to say I need help or I really need someone to listen to me rather than the one that does all the listening. It is easy for me to shut down and distance myself from the masses to not hurt them or say something really mean to them and I can't take their friendship back. 

I have pulled away from a bunch of social networking sites because the people there weren't listening or if they were keeping silent because they didn't know what to say or do with me. All they had to do was send me a virtual hug or send me a text with "what's going on? are you doing anything? want to talk on the phone?" Or even Skype once and a while.

Baking has helped, being lost in the making of the dough, not thinking of the worries that are outside my class room door. Being in a world that doesn't involve the hub bub of the real world, I can just be me. Everyone sees a different side of me however I can't just "Be me " as a friend put it. I really do try, however like I said in a previous post, people want me to be a certain way and then I have to be that way. When I change to my true self, people get confused and then they are the one's that get another persona so I just bow to their will. What a life?

Dating? What do you mean??

I really don't like the dating scene. Never really did. 

Getting all pretty for a night of awkwardness is not my idea of fun. 

However it seems in a way I miss having someone to talk to, to get pretty for (even if it is for an hour or two), to laugh about a random thing that happened during the day and find out what happened in his life that day as well. To share common interests and to enjoy just being with that person.

It is hard when I spend most my time at home shut in a world of Dr. Who and Farmville 2. I don't know if I am ready for it though. To boldly go where a lot of people have gone before. I have a few profiles on sites, however none of the guys spark my interest. 

Maybe I am not ready for the dating world. Probably suits me better than that of a desperate woman in search of Mr. Wrong, than waiting for Mr. Right and missing that once in a lifetime chance for happiness.  Also I figure that I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with another. And I haven't figured out that formula yet.

Adding a bit more color

Adding a bit more color to my wardrobe hasn't been easy.

Like all good things it takes time and a scene of fashion, which I really lack, Especially being "girly". So I have found a few outfits that have caught my eye. Yes they are of Indian decent however they are beautiful and I don't mind wearing them out. I actually did a few times. I just need some nice shoes to make them all go together.

I really like the outfits because I don't have to match anything. It's all ready done for me. The pants under the dress and the dupatta (the scarf).  No running around trying to find matching or coordinating things. Just one stop for the person on the go.

I found these lovely outfits on a website I was very hesitant to get the sizes that they stated I should wear because with out going to an actual store and trying some things on to find the fit I need, I ordered them a size bigger and one I should have ordered two sizes bigger (I need to get one in a bigger size however I am still waiting on one more).

Over all I am happy and they are very comfy to wear. I am going to stick with the ones I have for now because they fit and the weather is perfect for them and they are not cheep.

Family pictures.

I know it sounds weird, but for divorced families have no family photos of them with the kids they bore. It's always mom OR dad and the kids. None together. For Grace, the youngest, she has no photos past age 6 months to say this is mom and dad with me.

He made that choice for her. However I decided, when he came to pick up the littles to give Grace a present that will maybe see that we tried to get along. So here is one of the many pictures we took in front yesterday. This is Grace's family. Fractured, yet together for her sake in this one picture. 

Wow Wednesday.

Two-thirds of the year is gone and another third is yet to come. Going to prep for a birthday and oddly enough looking forward to it. However it's going to be a little bitter sweet because it would be two and a half year reminder of the past. At least this year I'll be able to make the best birthday cake that she's ever seen.

I don't know where a 3 year old would like to play, however since she does have an older sister and friends with siblings I have to see where I can do it. Maybe I'll ask around, see what hip place a three year old and 5 year olds want to be seen at.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

A top ten

A friend told me that I had a "type of guy" or what some call standards in mind and I am setting up road blocks to some one who doesn't fit the 'ideal' categories however if he likes me enough to stick around that is fine too.

In some ways he's right. I do, not only because it's me, it's also my littles I have to think about. What ever goes on in my life effects and affects them too.

So here it goes, a top 10 of things I am looking for in a very, very long term relationship.

10. No marriage talk or commitment for at least 3-6 years. Maybe once and a while joke about it with mutual friends however its not for me, at least for now.

9. Must be comfortable by himself 50% of the time. I've got littles and I would like one on one time with them. Maybe just maybe there will be a time where the two world meet... Maybe.

8. Must be comfortable with himself. I have my own baggage to be carting around don't need a man that has more than I do. I work in an industry that has 12-16 hr days on a regular day and maybe 20+ on Holidays. Hope he doesn't mind helping out when big orders come in.

7. Must know that I am a person of many interests and love traveling. Updated passport is a must (Side note: I have to get mine in order too).

6. I'm a baker and keep weird hours. I love to cook many yummy treats, maybe at midnight or 1 in the morning its not the best time to start cooking, however you'll never need to get Krispy Kream again... unless I am spent and the "HOT NOW" icon on the app on my phone lights up. (See #5)

5. Must love Nerds, Geeks, and Tech gadgets, That's me besides that I can change the oil in my car, talk about sports, and even pound a pint or two of Guinness. I am all of that plus a trained pastry and baker. I can talk shop with most people and am always knee deep in learning something new.

4. Must have some thoughts in his head. I don't mean a Rhode Scholar or some one from M.I.T. (though it would be nice hehehe), I would like some guy that knows pop culture and can extrapolate an idea about something and trust in me that if you ask a question and I answer it, please don't go to Google to see if I am correct. I will google it myself if I am unsure or say that I don't know and we will look it up together.

3. Must love animals. I have two cats currently and will not give them up even for the man in my life. Sorry, I have commitment issues.

2. Must understand that my moods, even when in a controllable state, can be very weird. I can be very introverted after a long day or very extroverted and want to go out to a bunch of bars and hang out till the sun comes up. Its just another day for me.

1. Must know that even though I am 50% physically with him, I am 100% committed and would never cheat or lie. I will need the same commitment from him.

Some times I wonder if this might scare guys off. Only time will tell if and when it does happen. Oh, right... that would require me to go out of my house some time to date a guy or two and require me to actually dress up a bit.