In the next week...or two

Next week there are a few major holidays coming. One is Valentines day during the week of Love (Feb 10-16; hence the change in the blog) the other is Presidents day on the 18th and Love your Pet day (Feb. 20th). I think that Love your Pet day is every day, however Hallmark has not cornered that market yet so truly pet owners own that day.

During the Week Of Love and Love Your Pet Day, I will have the opportunity to review and give away the brand new Jim Henson's Pajanimals DVD "Pajanimals Playdate" By the Jim Henson Company. Yes the same that can be found on Sprout TV (online)! The DVD is on sale now and available at NCircle Entertainment and Amazon (It's only $9.99 USD). So stay tuned and I will leave you with a song from The PaJanimals themselves.

How to teach love

Button Heart

How do you teach love to your children when you are struggling to love yourself? That is my challenge right now. I have to teach two little ones that are looking to me to show them how to love themselves when I am knee deep in self doubt and self pity.

I am trying to make a better life for myself by keeping a roof over my head and my small kids, food on the table, clothes on their backs, and being there for them emotionally is priority one right now.

My needs and wants are second to the priorities I have listed above, however that doesn't show my kids anything about loving oneself because with little kids you need to lead by example. Self love and care is something that is a big thing for me. I wasn't taught that by my mother unless guilt trips, self loathing, self destruction is healthy. I have learned that way of life is not a path I want to follow.

However I look at myself and that is the path I have been following and I hate do not like what I am teaching my kids.

I have to put my priorities first when they are here and when they aren't. I have to find a way to motivate the heck out of me because if I don't I will be in the same place as I am now next year writing about the same issues and I feel like I am a failure. And that is NOT what I want to teach them.

So this year is all about learning with them to love the self and others the way we want to be treated. I don't want to be a welcome mat and I don't want to be a hard butt either. I am trying to find the line in which I can be who I am and still show them that self love is important and necessary for a healthy life.

Is there anything you all do that helps remind you to love your self with out books or people everyday to remind you about things that need to be done?

Isolation

I have felt very alone in this world lately. No one to talk to about the issues facing me. I have many friends, however I feel that if I talk about my problems and just repeat them over and over again they tune out and not really listen.

Now with the divorce, I face another problem. His friends Vs My friends. Some of his friends I have gotten very close to over the years and they are part of the family example godparents to my little ones. Then there are the friends that I want to talk to however I don't want to say something about the X just to have them call him 10 minutes after I leave. The chance that they might do what I just described, is a really big fear and is stopping me from talking to them.

I don't know maybe I am over exaggerating or paranoid about opening up to them. However I don't want them to feel like they need to take sides, however the silence of them not talking, has made me think they will and I shouldn't be waiting invitations to their homes anytime soon.

Like I have to watch what I say here because of the public nature of the blogging world, however I do not feel isolated when writing. Just in real life I would love a few friends that would come over and take me out and about when I feel blue. Oh well, I guess I will wait for that to happen a little later down the year.

Telling my daughters I love them

Going through the divorce is painful let alone feeling isolated from the people you really love. My daughters have to spend two to five days away from me. I see them through modern day technology on those days through FaceTime an Apple app that allows me to see their eyes and hear their voices as well for them to see me and to hear my voice. Sometimes they laugh and are joyful around the iPad and sometimes they are not. That is when it hurts.

My youngest sometimes starts to cry for me and that is when it hurts to be on FaceTime. I don't want to stop just because of it though. I feel bad and I want to drive the 40+ miles to her to comfort her and to tell her it will be okay and sooth her to sleep. The x would not like that at all.

I want them have a connection when I can not be there. I want to let them know I love them and care for them. I want them to know that they can call me if they want at any time. I guess the later will happen when they get older however I want to set an open door for them to walk in and out of when they want.

Am I foolish to want to keep the connection alive? Am I banging my head against the wall when they are this small? Any advice?

I feel like a cat up a tree

I feel like this cat to the left. Not knowing if I let go some one would be there to catch me. Just looking to the heavens and saying a bunch of prayers for a rescuer to come with a ladder and grab me before I fall off and land not so gracefully on my butt in front of people.

I am learning that I can rescue myself.

I feel that I need balance in my life with out a safety net of another person. I do need a hug now and then. Every one needs one from another person. I have two little girls to do that. However, I am not leaning on them as adults. I am taking that unconditional love for them that I have and cherishing every moment I have with them.

My life isn't over by along shot however for two months I have been sulking in the shadows hoping for that Hail Mary pass from someone besides myself. Someone to take charge and to take the troublesome load off my shoulders. I was looking for someone to take control of my life as I felt it was spinning out of control. And it was for a while. I feel that I am moving past the out of control Amanda and into the Amanda 2.0 that every one can see forming before them. I just hope for the sake of the kids I can continue to show them that you can fall from a great height, get slightly injured and dust yourself off to start anew. 

Feeling like I can't talk, but I want to

In this world of Social Media and all the data in the world, some times I feel that I have to censor myself to the world so that it would not reflect poorly on me and my family.

However I have been thinking.

I need to speak on my blog about the things that I have been going through because I think its best that my world becomes open and shed some light on my feelings and how it is impacting me.

The feelings of isolation is a big factor in my decision. I feel that once I open this blog to the world of my mind then I can feel more free about who I am becoming. I know this blog is low on the list of readership and I am not feeding my own social media boost. I am only trying to make my blog truly about me and my children and not something that I am going to look back and be ashamed of.

I will talk about my crafts, Etsy, and other things that come to my mind, however I am not going to try and censor what I feel on this blog. Even when it may hurt my chances of keeping my kids (my biggest fear), I will not talk about people negatively no matter how I feel about these people in my life. When I do talk it will be in my voice. When I talk it will be in the present and not in the past. Though I may need to give some background information however its not going to be too detailed.

I am going forward and so should this blog.

Crafting

Here are a few crafts that I have completed in the last few weeks. Hopefully I can get them on Etsy soon.