I know the reason

The new Muppet movie bombed. It's not the muppets of old. I think the human aspect throws it off. It's great when it's just the muppets it's great however when it goes to the human muppet interaction it becomes dull. The muppet co star takes a bit of getting used to and the back and forth breaks the reality.

Good thing I saw this at home and not in the theaters.

We went to the library today

Me and the girls are starting to build a weekly routine like Tuesday starting next week is Library day and Fridays are trips to the zoo. They may be pushed back a bit to include every day dealings, but to provide a regular weekly initiatory is good for me and them. Bella misses daycare a lot and hasn't had much interaction as of late so we are going to have the trips to the library as an outlet for her. Grace on the other hand will like the new faces that are around and might take some interest in the books that she hears.

The many faces of reality

So today my husband said that my posts don't reflect reality, well his mother told him that. He said that during this past weekend he spent borrowed money to buy us food for the week. Which was true. He did spend money for shopping for this house and his own. I mean how many packets of hotdogs can one person eat from Costco?

He said that I wanted to light his stuff on fire. I know that is not right both for for my kids sake and for my own marriage sake. Sometimes I need to vent and it needs to be out of my head so it doesn't fester.

It's a shame that MIL doesn't tell him about the posts where I pour my heart out saying that I want him back and I would do anything to have him back to him. Just a filter through the good things and point out the bad things to my husband.

He still says he doesn't know when he'll be back at home, he says he doesn't think I hear him in therapy. We only had two so far together. Three if you include the one on one sessions we had last week. I heard him that he doesn't know how he feels about me. He smiles when I talk about what I love about him, then says I doesn't understand or listen to what he says. He says he doesn't know. That I have pulled away from him emotionally, which I have not. He says I have pulled away from Bella emotionally which I have not. Sure I have had some issues in the past because being a mother with not a good role model its only what I have learned and I am trying to fix that.

Same old shoot

So money is the root of most of the problems we are having besides the communication breakdown in our relationship. Him saying to me I can't afford the house with all the other things "{he}" needs to pay for excluding what I personally owe.

So it came to my surprise when I found out he is renting a house. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and a backyard. I asked him about it and he said he couldn't afford anything closer. 30+ miles away from your kids, your wife and the rest of the people who care about him. So because of the Internet I looked up what the rental cost. The same as the freaking mortgage! Except it's a tad higher than that of the mortgage.

I am trying to survive by scratching every nickel and dime I can find together so my kids can eat and he's living alone with his mother helping at every turn. To me it doesn't seem like a temporary location.

I feel like throwing out everything that is his and just lighting it all on fire. But that would be wrong and I could probably get more money out of the items than setting them on fire.

He's gone for the week

The new normal for a while I guess. Here on the weekend filling my kids with father time and then poof, gone for 5 days. I guess its better than the whole 7 however its still taxing on me.

I asked him today how he would feel if I did what he did and up and moved 30+ miles away and left him in the spot I am in now. He said he'd be pissed and hurt. Well that is the way I feel right now. I also said that I would like for him not to look like I was killing his cat when I say I love you to him. He said he still feels something for me and that is why he wants to still be in counseling. He said the place isn't forever (though its a 12 month lease) and when he's ready he'd talk with the landlord about breaking the lease. A few months at the least. 


Until then, we need to survive the best we can.

Am I Crazy?

He's home. At least for today and Sunday. We had a good day. No yelling, no crazy accusations of things in front of the kids. Went food shopping, talked parent shop and watched a video on the Apple TV, and the kids are asleep.

I feel like this is how it should have been years ago. I don't want to go to bed because in this moment I feel like I have my family back. He's still leaving us Sunday night. I don't know if he'll take more of his things to make his house; his home.

I do know I can survive one day at a time. I think I am going to still follow the course of action that I need to do for me to feel like my small family is taken care of in the best possible way. I feel like I am living a lie if I say I trusted him like I used to. So many nights of feeling alone, crying myself to sleep because I don't want to cry in front of my kids. The secrets him and his family kept from me instead of telling me so we could work at these changes sooner. I still feel the spark, I still want to love him for the rest of my life, I just can't read him well enough to say that my family is going to be back by September. Although the old Amanda is still lurking in the background, a newer Amanda, a better and stronger Amanda is forming. One that doesn't just roll over and play dead when trouble comes.

The lies and half truths trouble me. If it has happened in the past and now in the present, then it can happen again in the future when the stuff hits the fan again. Will it not be the same when another 4 or 5 years roll by and both Bella and Grace get old enough to where daddy tells them to lie to me? Maybe I am paranoid about the situation because of the sayings that a leopard can't change its spots or once bitten, twice shy. My trust like his with me is very spotty right now and there is going to be a lot of explaining that needs to be done, by him and his family before I can let go of the feeling of people talking behind my back.

Am I crazy? Yes, I am. I am crazy for my daughters and my husband. I hope he is crazy still about me. 

Night Troubles - Bella

I first thought that Bella's night troubles were just a period of time trying to adjust out of the family bed. And for a while it was. Then when Grace came in the picture, I thought it was regression. And for a while it was. Then the last few months its been her feeling like daddy was going to leave so she stayed up. And for this past week since he's been gone, she's been going to sleep at 7:30 rather than 9 pm. Well, both have been going to sleep early. Except for tonight.

Her grandmother came today for a little while and ate dinner. After her being a part of the night time routine I have been doing with Bella for just this week, I based that she would get to sleep by 7:45 or 8 however she did not. She was telling her grandmother not to go, blocking the door with her body. This is exactly why the councilors, and I didn't want him to leave. Any one leaving the house makes Bella's anxiety goes to 11 and its not the best thing for her. She didn't go to sleep till 9:30 and Grace didn't get to sleep till 9. 

I am going to really hate this weekend. I am debating whether I should even let him see her long. I know its good for her to see him. However he's not going to be here at night. Maybe I should talk with him before he comes over so that he knows about this issue. I don't know.