He's gone for the week

The new normal for a while I guess. Here on the weekend filling my kids with father time and then poof, gone for 5 days. I guess its better than the whole 7 however its still taxing on me.

I asked him today how he would feel if I did what he did and up and moved 30+ miles away and left him in the spot I am in now. He said he'd be pissed and hurt. Well that is the way I feel right now. I also said that I would like for him not to look like I was killing his cat when I say I love you to him. He said he still feels something for me and that is why he wants to still be in counseling. He said the place isn't forever (though its a 12 month lease) and when he's ready he'd talk with the landlord about breaking the lease. A few months at the least. 


Until then, we need to survive the best we can.

Am I Crazy?

He's home. At least for today and Sunday. We had a good day. No yelling, no crazy accusations of things in front of the kids. Went food shopping, talked parent shop and watched a video on the Apple TV, and the kids are asleep.

I feel like this is how it should have been years ago. I don't want to go to bed because in this moment I feel like I have my family back. He's still leaving us Sunday night. I don't know if he'll take more of his things to make his house; his home.

I do know I can survive one day at a time. I think I am going to still follow the course of action that I need to do for me to feel like my small family is taken care of in the best possible way. I feel like I am living a lie if I say I trusted him like I used to. So many nights of feeling alone, crying myself to sleep because I don't want to cry in front of my kids. The secrets him and his family kept from me instead of telling me so we could work at these changes sooner. I still feel the spark, I still want to love him for the rest of my life, I just can't read him well enough to say that my family is going to be back by September. Although the old Amanda is still lurking in the background, a newer Amanda, a better and stronger Amanda is forming. One that doesn't just roll over and play dead when trouble comes.

The lies and half truths trouble me. If it has happened in the past and now in the present, then it can happen again in the future when the stuff hits the fan again. Will it not be the same when another 4 or 5 years roll by and both Bella and Grace get old enough to where daddy tells them to lie to me? Maybe I am paranoid about the situation because of the sayings that a leopard can't change its spots or once bitten, twice shy. My trust like his with me is very spotty right now and there is going to be a lot of explaining that needs to be done, by him and his family before I can let go of the feeling of people talking behind my back.

Am I crazy? Yes, I am. I am crazy for my daughters and my husband. I hope he is crazy still about me. 

Night Troubles - Bella

I first thought that Bella's night troubles were just a period of time trying to adjust out of the family bed. And for a while it was. Then when Grace came in the picture, I thought it was regression. And for a while it was. Then the last few months its been her feeling like daddy was going to leave so she stayed up. And for this past week since he's been gone, she's been going to sleep at 7:30 rather than 9 pm. Well, both have been going to sleep early. Except for tonight.

Her grandmother came today for a little while and ate dinner. After her being a part of the night time routine I have been doing with Bella for just this week, I based that she would get to sleep by 7:45 or 8 however she did not. She was telling her grandmother not to go, blocking the door with her body. This is exactly why the councilors, and I didn't want him to leave. Any one leaving the house makes Bella's anxiety goes to 11 and its not the best thing for her. She didn't go to sleep till 9:30 and Grace didn't get to sleep till 9. 

I am going to really hate this weekend. I am debating whether I should even let him see her long. I know its good for her to see him. However he's not going to be here at night. Maybe I should talk with him before he comes over so that he knows about this issue. I don't know.

Baby steps

Today was a momentous day. Got a lot done though I thought it wasn't much. I really hate making some decisions in life. I dislike that in order to protect my small family I feel I have to shut off the rest of the world right now. I'll be able to start slowly being near the people who helped my husband. I just have to survive with my girls right now.

My husband doesn't answer my phone calls anymore, nor my text messages. Maybe I should stop trying to talk with him. It hurts so bad that I can't see him, hear him, touch him. I wish that he was hear talking to me about his day, talking about how broken his android phone is and the tech news of the day.

I am so tired, however I have to move forward from this and explore each day like it was the first day of the rest of my life, like the way Bella or Grace learn new things every day.

PS I got them both to bed again at around 7:30 pm. Baby steps

"Don't go daddy!"

The words echoed in the hall and my head as I am seated in the couples therapy room while my husband left for work as Bella tried to get him to stay. I couldn't help but break down because I know how it feels for some one to go that you really want to stay. I felt helpless, I did not want this to happen to her. She's the collateral damage. The one that suffers the most right now. Grace is too young to know much of anything that is going on right now. The cats know someone is missing, yet they seem to be calmer and not fighting one another any more.

Now, there are some hard choices I have to make in the next few days that I wish I didn't have to; however to protect my children I need to make.

What to do now, not knowing.

So I have no job, my husband is in self exile from our family and come to find out that the house is now two months past due. Life is at its best when in the crapper right? Feel like my happy ending is still far away.

There are so many things on my mind that it hurts. I want to talk to a friend, to my husband, to the world. I guess I am doing that right now.

The unknown for me is scary. I had so many times when I was little when the unknown meant a lot of changes for me. I didn't know if my mother was going to be home from one night to the next when I was 8 years old. I didn't know what type of mood she was going to be in when I saw her. I didn't know if I would have a meal that day because all that was left in the refrigerator were left overs from a few weeks past. My unknowns brought turmoil and strife. Never knowing was my undoing.

For my kids, I wished it was different, and to some degree it has been different. I am home and stable for the first time in a long time (even when I didn't have a husband and 2 kids). I feel like I am gaining self esteem and understanding what is going on around me.

My husband is the wild card now. Not knowing when or if he'll be back in my life as a husband and a lover. Not knowing if the vows he made and I made to him on our wedding day will hold true even with the this test before us. I guess that is my lot in life right? Eternally not knowing, having my heart broken in between the good times.

He left us

So for half a month he has had a place and tonight he made it his official residence for the first night.

His sister and mother helped him get the place. All to quietly helping him leave while saying they support us trying to get help to fix the issues that divide us.

No words can describe the betrayal I felt as he quietly walked out and locked the door while his eldest still wanting daddy until she fell quietly asleep.

How do you say to a three year old it is not your fault daddy left while promising mommy that he'll stay until she finds a job? That grandma and auntie helped him leave? And never had the guts to tell mommy themselves?

I need to hear why from them. No excuses, no lies.

So many things I need to do in the mean time. Get an alarm for the house since there is no one but the lone male cat to protect us. Get a new bed. One with a head board, or at least make one. Try to be strong for my girls. Show them that even when life hands you the worst lemonade you can still make good house cleaner.