Baby steps

Today was a momentous day. Got a lot done though I thought it wasn't much. I really hate making some decisions in life. I dislike that in order to protect my small family I feel I have to shut off the rest of the world right now. I'll be able to start slowly being near the people who helped my husband. I just have to survive with my girls right now.

My husband doesn't answer my phone calls anymore, nor my text messages. Maybe I should stop trying to talk with him. It hurts so bad that I can't see him, hear him, touch him. I wish that he was hear talking to me about his day, talking about how broken his android phone is and the tech news of the day.

I am so tired, however I have to move forward from this and explore each day like it was the first day of the rest of my life, like the way Bella or Grace learn new things every day.

PS I got them both to bed again at around 7:30 pm. Baby steps

"Don't go daddy!"

The words echoed in the hall and my head as I am seated in the couples therapy room while my husband left for work as Bella tried to get him to stay. I couldn't help but break down because I know how it feels for some one to go that you really want to stay. I felt helpless, I did not want this to happen to her. She's the collateral damage. The one that suffers the most right now. Grace is too young to know much of anything that is going on right now. The cats know someone is missing, yet they seem to be calmer and not fighting one another any more.

Now, there are some hard choices I have to make in the next few days that I wish I didn't have to; however to protect my children I need to make.

What to do now, not knowing.

So I have no job, my husband is in self exile from our family and come to find out that the house is now two months past due. Life is at its best when in the crapper right? Feel like my happy ending is still far away.

There are so many things on my mind that it hurts. I want to talk to a friend, to my husband, to the world. I guess I am doing that right now.

The unknown for me is scary. I had so many times when I was little when the unknown meant a lot of changes for me. I didn't know if my mother was going to be home from one night to the next when I was 8 years old. I didn't know what type of mood she was going to be in when I saw her. I didn't know if I would have a meal that day because all that was left in the refrigerator were left overs from a few weeks past. My unknowns brought turmoil and strife. Never knowing was my undoing.

For my kids, I wished it was different, and to some degree it has been different. I am home and stable for the first time in a long time (even when I didn't have a husband and 2 kids). I feel like I am gaining self esteem and understanding what is going on around me.

My husband is the wild card now. Not knowing when or if he'll be back in my life as a husband and a lover. Not knowing if the vows he made and I made to him on our wedding day will hold true even with the this test before us. I guess that is my lot in life right? Eternally not knowing, having my heart broken in between the good times.

He left us

So for half a month he has had a place and tonight he made it his official residence for the first night.

His sister and mother helped him get the place. All to quietly helping him leave while saying they support us trying to get help to fix the issues that divide us.

No words can describe the betrayal I felt as he quietly walked out and locked the door while his eldest still wanting daddy until she fell quietly asleep.

How do you say to a three year old it is not your fault daddy left while promising mommy that he'll stay until she finds a job? That grandma and auntie helped him leave? And never had the guts to tell mommy themselves?

I need to hear why from them. No excuses, no lies.

So many things I need to do in the mean time. Get an alarm for the house since there is no one but the lone male cat to protect us. Get a new bed. One with a head board, or at least make one. Try to be strong for my girls. Show them that even when life hands you the worst lemonade you can still make good house cleaner.

Starting to set expectations

I think for the life of our relationship, my husband and I have been setting our own expectations of each other and not discussing what they are with each other.

Going to work and paying the bills were the standard expectations when we didn't have kids. We didn't discuss what was expected of us after kids. We did a bit however stopped talking about them and it brought heartache and term oil to this relationship.

I think partly it's the "man" vs "woman's" roles that we all take on. I feel that it is hard to shoulder all the house work on one person. However I always looked on it as a whole never thinking parts until recently. My husband had to shoulder a lot. I wasn't believing in myself a whole lot and decided it would be better if others did it for me. Like look after my kids or cleaned the home. I always felt in the way or too inexperienced.

That was the lack of self esteem butting in. I always complained that jobs were not hiring me because of lack of experience and I was shooting myself in the foot for just that with house work. I think, if I applied one fourth of the energy a bit earlier that I did in pitting myself to house work, I would be the master at it.

So my expectations of myself are:

Morning:
1) Make the beds
2) Get breakfast ready
3) Get everyone dressed for the day
4) Make snacks for the day
5) Have fun with my girls in the back yard

Lunch time
1) Get lunch prepared and eaten
2) Wash morning and lunch dishes (Video time for girls)
3) Put in a load of laundry
4) Do a quick once over of the floors

Afternoon
1) Get the girls to nap (maybe just one, I would considered that a victory! Wouldn't you?)
2) Fold and put away laundry
3) Small house work (if time)
4) A trip to the park to get some energy out
5) Start ABC's and numbers with Bella

Nights
1) Get dinner ready for Bella and then for us
2) Wash the dishes from dinner prep
3) Get Bella into a great night time routine that incorporates play and reading time with daddy and the whole family
4) Reconnect over dinner with my husband
5) Wash dishes while husband helps to put them away.

I think that's a good start. I can always add to it, as I know a start is a start and not a final solution.

The cold and warm days

We all have them. Husband is still cool towards me, however there are times where I see him warming up towards me. Then as I think he's going to crack he mounts the ice wall and freezes me out again. *Sigh* what am I to do besides let him be him right?

I have been working with a long time friend of mine Pen, as she likes to be called, for a few weeks. We have talked for a few hours a day or by text. She's my life line without her I would have been a fish out of water. She's been brave to share her stories so I can learn from them in order for me to put forth a new Amanda. An enjoyable, love able self that I know that is in me.

Her own stories and journey through life, though different, has put an insight to my own past and change my own reality of how my mother was. To drop the baggage out of a window of a moving train. I never knew how freeing something was until I dropped a few pounds of emotional garbage that I thought I got rid of, but I did not.

I hope it's not too late for us so we can get back to being that happy couple again as my picture shows above. I feel there is a chance and I will be holding my arms out to give him the biggest hug I can.

Of course my me time

Lately I haven't had me time. How do you tell a 3 yr old and a 7 month old mommy needs space? As it is with the climate in the house the 3 yr old is cling to me and will not let me out of her sight (right now she's looking over my shoulder looking at the iPad, lucky for me (?) she can't read).

Since husband decided to spend some time alone with his thoughts, I have been trying to sort out my own thoughts between the girls naps, while I try to cook, wash dishes and try and become a better mommy. Parenting has been my goal for Bella and Grace.

Trying to figure out where my husband stands on us has been the other half of my thoughts. I truly love the guy. He's been my rock when I felt like I was drifting out to some island. My yin to my yang, the balance I need to get through the day. Now I can't touch him, say I love you to him with out feeling a sense of a deep pit of emptiness. I want the couples therapy to show him that the spark is there and not blown out. I want to better communicate with him. I want a better life for my kids. Better than solo daddy and solo mommy.

I pray when I get a moment to myself that he does find that feeling of trust and love again.

Then and only then will I take a few hours to myself.