Starting to set expectations

I think for the life of our relationship, my husband and I have been setting our own expectations of each other and not discussing what they are with each other.

Going to work and paying the bills were the standard expectations when we didn't have kids. We didn't discuss what was expected of us after kids. We did a bit however stopped talking about them and it brought heartache and term oil to this relationship.

I think partly it's the "man" vs "woman's" roles that we all take on. I feel that it is hard to shoulder all the house work on one person. However I always looked on it as a whole never thinking parts until recently. My husband had to shoulder a lot. I wasn't believing in myself a whole lot and decided it would be better if others did it for me. Like look after my kids or cleaned the home. I always felt in the way or too inexperienced.

That was the lack of self esteem butting in. I always complained that jobs were not hiring me because of lack of experience and I was shooting myself in the foot for just that with house work. I think, if I applied one fourth of the energy a bit earlier that I did in pitting myself to house work, I would be the master at it.

So my expectations of myself are:

Morning:
1) Make the beds
2) Get breakfast ready
3) Get everyone dressed for the day
4) Make snacks for the day
5) Have fun with my girls in the back yard

Lunch time
1) Get lunch prepared and eaten
2) Wash morning and lunch dishes (Video time for girls)
3) Put in a load of laundry
4) Do a quick once over of the floors

Afternoon
1) Get the girls to nap (maybe just one, I would considered that a victory! Wouldn't you?)
2) Fold and put away laundry
3) Small house work (if time)
4) A trip to the park to get some energy out
5) Start ABC's and numbers with Bella

Nights
1) Get dinner ready for Bella and then for us
2) Wash the dishes from dinner prep
3) Get Bella into a great night time routine that incorporates play and reading time with daddy and the whole family
4) Reconnect over dinner with my husband
5) Wash dishes while husband helps to put them away.

I think that's a good start. I can always add to it, as I know a start is a start and not a final solution.

The cold and warm days

We all have them. Husband is still cool towards me, however there are times where I see him warming up towards me. Then as I think he's going to crack he mounts the ice wall and freezes me out again. *Sigh* what am I to do besides let him be him right?

I have been working with a long time friend of mine Pen, as she likes to be called, for a few weeks. We have talked for a few hours a day or by text. She's my life line without her I would have been a fish out of water. She's been brave to share her stories so I can learn from them in order for me to put forth a new Amanda. An enjoyable, love able self that I know that is in me.

Her own stories and journey through life, though different, has put an insight to my own past and change my own reality of how my mother was. To drop the baggage out of a window of a moving train. I never knew how freeing something was until I dropped a few pounds of emotional garbage that I thought I got rid of, but I did not.

I hope it's not too late for us so we can get back to being that happy couple again as my picture shows above. I feel there is a chance and I will be holding my arms out to give him the biggest hug I can.

Of course my me time

Lately I haven't had me time. How do you tell a 3 yr old and a 7 month old mommy needs space? As it is with the climate in the house the 3 yr old is cling to me and will not let me out of her sight (right now she's looking over my shoulder looking at the iPad, lucky for me (?) she can't read).

Since husband decided to spend some time alone with his thoughts, I have been trying to sort out my own thoughts between the girls naps, while I try to cook, wash dishes and try and become a better mommy. Parenting has been my goal for Bella and Grace.

Trying to figure out where my husband stands on us has been the other half of my thoughts. I truly love the guy. He's been my rock when I felt like I was drifting out to some island. My yin to my yang, the balance I need to get through the day. Now I can't touch him, say I love you to him with out feeling a sense of a deep pit of emptiness. I want the couples therapy to show him that the spark is there and not blown out. I want to better communicate with him. I want a better life for my kids. Better than solo daddy and solo mommy.

I pray when I get a moment to myself that he does find that feeling of trust and love again.

Then and only then will I take a few hours to myself.

How to say I'm sorry

Yesterday was the first day of couples therapy. I thought it would be a round like any other around our house. I went in with an open mind and thoughts that this might be the nail in the coffin to our marriage. However I heard something for the first time in years from him. "I am hurt. She doesn't support me when I am down." Maybe I have but there has been a lot on my plate in resent months and I have been reflecting on me not us. I thought I was. I thought that by doing all of the things I was doing that it was helping us. In reality it was tearing us a part.

I wanted to say I am sorry at the appointment however when I did say it he wasn't hearing it. I understand, I know he needs time. Its hard for me to not want to wrap my arms around him, give him comfort when he's wounded. I probably would do the same. Its his choice when he wants to come back to being us. For now I need to wait and just be. That is very hard for me to do. Very hard.

Today we start

Today we start couples therapy. I would like to think that this is some blimp in our other wise happy marriage I would be wrong. I really hope he can open up and tell me the reasons in therapy. He said he would tell me the reason why he needs his own space there at least.

I am needing so many positive thoughts it hurts. I have been working with everyone I could think of to get my emotions, thoughts and feelings under control about this situation and not have them spill to the kids.

The kids hurt right now especially Bella. A few nights ago she tried to put our hands together and he pulled away. I think she can feel that daddy is going away. I am trying to stay strong for her and for Grace. They are the real victims here.

Unemployment Sucks

As of yesterday I got denied again for unemployment. Yes, I have a roof over my head and two daughters to look after however it's going to be a thousand times rougher to go for an interview and then if I need to put Bella and Grace in Day Care I at least have 1 spot however if both need to go because of some twisted sense of reality (and you know that will happen with me) I am stuck again. Maybe not I get a job with a daycare built in.

I had another argument with husband. If he moves out (more likely now) I want to know the place that the kids will be staying and that over nights might be a month or two after that. He thinks I don't trust him with Bella or Grace. I do however think it will take a few times to know the place. I don't want to throw her in a place that it doesn't feel like home. I am still breastfeeding Grace so it would be tough for me to stop that on the weekend or weeks she's gone.

I married and had kids because I love him, I thought this wouldn't happen. I promised myself that if I opened my heart to a man it would be for life. I had my fair share of horrid people in my life. I want to be happy, joyful with him and the kids that we brought into this world. If I had any doubts I would not have gotten married, I would have just spent my life alone. Now I feel like this is a horrid dream I can't wake up from and I so want to wake up, be hugged and told everything will be ok and all right.

Fractured Fairy Tale

My life is one right now. I have known my husband for 8 years, 4 of them married and 2 kids ages 3 and 7 months.

Just recently I found out that in the 5 years he has slowly fallen out of love with me. Why? Only he knows at this point and not sharing. Now he wants to be separated, live in his own place "for a while" and work on us.

I don't want him to leave. I want him to stay here with me and the kids. I don't want weekends away from them. I don't want them to know a new place. I feel like I am very selfish right now. I feel very protective of my children right now.

Maybe in a few months with some talking to a councilor we'll be on the right track. Though right now in the moment, I feel hurt, betrayed, a lone. However I have to be strong, willing to hear him out and finding a way to put two kids in daycare AND pay for my home. Any suggestions?