In order for me not to freak about my milk I made a spread sheet. Why you ask? Because with out it I would be spending long hours with the pump attached to my boobs and losing my ever freaking mind tring to see if I made enough to feed my baby. So far to date I have made 86 oz minus 9 oz she ate Friday so in total I am up 77 oz (does happy dance) for her to eat during the week and I should pump 5 times. Once in the morn before work, each 15 min brakes, once at lunch and before she gets home from GranCare. The oz should rack up but I am told and read that it, like life, ebs and flows with stress. So my goal for the next two months is not to stress out to the point of dropping my supply to zero. That would be bad!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
wait for it
It's one in the morning and I am up waiting for baby to wake up. I should get to bed before she gets up and my milk supply tanks.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
One Year ago and Today
One year ago I was worried that I wouldn't get pregnant, had a major tooth cap problem and worried about money.
Today, I have a 3 month old, the cap on my tooth is fixed and I am still worried about money.
My worries:
My 3 month old: how we can afford college as it is going to be many more thousands than I can count on my little fingers (Hoping for a scholarship!). How she will like or dislike her parental figures in the future (I guess time will tell). How MIL will impact the next 6 months she has her in her care and I won't have a HUGE say in what goes on.
How we are going to find and afford a house in a city a thousand miles away *only 650 miles, but feels like a thousand miles away* Have a down payment but no house prospects yet.
Money is always a topic of worry. Since I had my baby I have been getting GOV checks and they were coming pretty regularly until this past month and then because of a change in delivery (Me) the checks stopped and now I am past due on a few bills. I worry that I won't get enough money from the accident insurance claim and then I have to pay people and start saving for my 3 month old's college fund. I just don't know what to do.
I signed up for a work at home and since I was, is and still am depressed so I paid $250 for some products and thought I could do it but with a lack of support from my Hubby and all of the weird things in my brain, I quit. But as the products are still in my house I keep thinking about the what if and can I really do what they what me to do. I keep coming back to wanting the best for my little one.
Speaking of the little one I must attend to the dear or she's going to blow a blood vessel.
Today, I have a 3 month old, the cap on my tooth is fixed and I am still worried about money.
My worries:
My 3 month old: how we can afford college as it is going to be many more thousands than I can count on my little fingers (Hoping for a scholarship!). How she will like or dislike her parental figures in the future (I guess time will tell). How MIL will impact the next 6 months she has her in her care and I won't have a HUGE say in what goes on.
How we are going to find and afford a house in a city a thousand miles away *only 650 miles, but feels like a thousand miles away* Have a down payment but no house prospects yet.
Money is always a topic of worry. Since I had my baby I have been getting GOV checks and they were coming pretty regularly until this past month and then because of a change in delivery (Me) the checks stopped and now I am past due on a few bills. I worry that I won't get enough money from the accident insurance claim and then I have to pay people and start saving for my 3 month old's college fund. I just don't know what to do.
I signed up for a work at home and since I was, is and still am depressed so I paid $250 for some products and thought I could do it but with a lack of support from my Hubby and all of the weird things in my brain, I quit. But as the products are still in my house I keep thinking about the what if and can I really do what they what me to do. I keep coming back to wanting the best for my little one.
Speaking of the little one I must attend to the dear or she's going to blow a blood vessel.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
new mom hell
Well it's offical I want to be a stay at home mom but we can not afford it. Waiting for MIL to tap out of baby holding. FML
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Why oh why is it hard?
I still am debating about my mental health. Each day I look into my Dear Daughters eyes while she sucks nutrients out of my boobs. I have pictures of it so its not like I have no record, but its just hard to know that maybe I will never have those moments. It makes me feel like a double standard as I would tell anyone to give up the feedings if it means a happier you. But why can't I do it for myself?
What to do
I have support but not 100% support from my husband. I don't know if its a 85/15 or its 95/5 but I don't have that you can do it honey attitude. I think I need a full 100% right now so that I don't feel alone. It makes me question sometimes why I am in this relationship. Is it out of convenience or now because of Bella I need to stay so that she doesn't have a messed up mommy? Or do I leave them both just for her sake and try to pick up the shattered remains? Or is it because of this depression that I am having this conversation?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
in a daze
Why is it so hard to make a decision about your life when attached to a baby. I know I need medication it's been a year and change. I want to have the best for my daughter = Breastfeeding is best. I don't know why it's hard for me to make that decision of wanting a happy mother to a happy daughter by medicating mommy. I guess I don't want the conversation when she is older of why I did what I did when she was a baby and have her blame her problems on me doing what I did when she sits across from me in therapy. FML
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