wait for it

It's one in the morning and I am up waiting for baby to wake up. I should get to bed before she gets up and my milk supply tanks.

[AP]

One Year ago and Today

One year ago I was worried that I wouldn't get pregnant, had a major tooth cap problem and worried about money.

Today, I have a 3 month old, the cap on my tooth is fixed and I am still worried about money.

My worries:
My 3 month old: how we can afford college as it is going to be many more thousands than I can count on my little fingers (Hoping for a scholarship!). How she will like or dislike her parental figures in the future (I guess time will tell). How MIL will impact the next 6 months she has her in her care and I won't have a HUGE say in what goes on.

How we are going to find and afford a house in a city a thousand miles away *only 650 miles, but feels like a thousand miles away* Have a down payment but no house prospects yet.

Money is always a topic of worry. Since I had my baby I have been getting GOV checks and they were coming pretty regularly until this past month and then because of a change in delivery (Me) the checks stopped and now I am past due on a few bills. I worry that I won't get enough money from the accident insurance claim and then I have to pay people and start saving for my 3 month old's college fund. I just don't know what to do.
I signed up for a work at home and since I was, is and still am depressed so I paid $250 for some products and thought I could do it but with a lack of support from my Hubby and all of the weird things in my brain, I quit. But as the products are still in my house I keep thinking about the what if and can I really do what they what me to do. I keep coming back to wanting the best for my little one.

Speaking of the little one I must attend to the dear or she's going to blow a blood vessel.

new mom hell

Well it's offical I want to be a stay at home mom but we can not afford it. Waiting for MIL to tap out of baby holding. FML

[AP]

Why oh why is it hard?

I still am debating about my mental health. Each day I look into my Dear Daughters eyes while she sucks nutrients out of my boobs. I have pictures of it so its not like I have no record, but its just hard to know that maybe I will never have those moments. It makes me feel like a double standard as I would tell anyone to give up the feedings if it means a happier you. But why can't I do it for myself?

What to do

I have support but not 100% support from my husband. I don't know if its a 85/15 or its 95/5 but I don't have that you can do it honey attitude. I think I need a full 100% right now so that I don't feel alone. It makes me question sometimes why I am in this relationship. Is it out of convenience or now because of Bella I need to stay so that she doesn't have a messed up mommy? Or do I leave them both just for her sake and try to pick up the shattered remains? Or is it because of this depression that I am having this conversation?

in a daze

Why is it so hard to make a decision about your life when attached to a baby. I know I need medication it's been a year and change. I want to have the best for my daughter = Breastfeeding is best. I don't know why it's hard for me to make that decision of wanting a happy mother to a happy daughter by medicating mommy. I guess I don't want the conversation when she is older of why I did what I did when she was a baby and have her blame her problems on me doing what I did when she sits across from me in therapy. FML

[AP]

What a pain

Today I have to get medical records from KP again then talk with the billing department for the amount owed due to the car accident. What a joy huh?