2023 - Post Pandimic

Well, jumped a few years, kids are in Jr. High and High School. I am doing a Masters program right now and had COVID twice.

Hopefully it won't be another 3 or so years the next time this is updated. 😁

OMG

Too long away from my blog.

I guess I didn't feel adequate and with all the things that have been going on in my life the blog was the last thing on my mind. Also my X's people monitored the site. BUT now with its new name I think I won't have any issues.

Let me start with this one so I can flex my fingers.

Feeling like

Feeling like I can explode. With the new round of meds coursing through my body, I am finding it hard to sleep. Waking up at 3:30 am thinking that its 4 or 5 am bites. Even with the cover of darkness all I can think about is my life.

What have I done, accomplished, impacted on some one besides the fears of my kids. They are the driving force to why I want to change. I don't have the luxury of my actions impacting just myself. I would love to have a life where I can buy my kids things when they ask and they have been good. To say Sure we can go to a vacation spot with out hinging on the account that I will never get. I feel like I am completely under water and there is no way out. I need my kids to be happy and not worry about me.

I've taken action on the account.

Life is but a dream

My life has not been a dream however I really want it to become one. I have had just about enough in my life that I am crazy looking for a way out. out of the unknown. out of the head beatings I give myself because I feel like I am worth a lot less than I really am. I have to stop thinking that way. I am tired every day I don't enjoy this. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING.

Maybe I'll sing a different tune in a few minutes but my head is going through a lot. I'd like to be facebook official with some one.

Random thought. I like how my DSC says he was going to stay for 10 minutes, however that was 30 minutes ago.

I haven't been sharing on facebook. I don't know if I ever will again. no one seems to reach out and be actually interested in my day. there is one person that is interested however I am not interested in him. I keep telling him in BIG get the hint letters but he doesn't seem to get it even when I totally just fluffed him off. anyone know of a way to tell a guy in a nice way that I will never be interested in some one like him? Got to be some one?

I said thank you

So instead of getting angry and blaming everyone and their mother's under the sun, I said thank you for doing what my cousin did to help my dad.

Then he asked if he could help find "a job" because my dad can't afford to raise me... I said thank you and we can talk. I would like to talk to his job so that I can get my company to help his company however I don't see that happening any time soon. I just need to get my feet under me, get my life in order and bills paid to the point of being able to take care of myself and I see that light at the end of that tunnel. I need to just breath and make sure that I do just that one step in front of the other.

My dad

My dad is a very good man.

My dad is helping me through this tough time.

My dad is driving me batty.

My dad makes me cry.

My dad doesn't understand the pressure I am under right now.

My dad says 3 jobs isn't good enough, my dad says that the 5 jobs I have/will have aren't good enough.

My dad accused me of buying a bike for Bella. To me that was a low blow.  Did not even ask - hey that bike looks new - where did you get it? Just straight out said I bought a new bike for Bella.

 Trying to get back on my feet ASAP! No rush but I feel like I need to move out and sleep in my car for the rest of my life in order for me to get on my feet again.

BREATH!

Make it STOP!

One foot in front of the other right? Feels like face plants every day.

I have days where I am on top of the world and others I want to be buried six feet under.

I started a podcast or at least something to that effect.

I want to get better at doing this insurance thing and yet it feels like I am drowning.

I am asking for help; yet there seems to be a delay that I can't afford. I am doing my best.

I need to do more than hope. One foot in front of the other.

Asking

Asking for what I want is something hard for me to do.

I feel some one is going to rescue me in time and when it doesn't happen I feel like they failed and the victim mentality comes back to the circle.

In fact it was me, myself, and I that failed. I didn't reach out for help. I didn't take the ownership of my life and placed it out into the world.

Any suggestions to start asking for help?

I did it today and it felt good.  I needed help with my business and was feeling very flustered. I talked with a person that was two steps above me in the business and she gave me some advice and a good direction to go in. Also she is going to give me some extra work as a PA so I can learn how to navigate the world I am living in and build up my skill sets.

I just need to do it over and over when I feel like when I do need help or struggling for an answer.

I'd like you to help me as well! Any Suggestions that would help me know when to ask rather than feel like a victim is greatly appreciated.

How I am getting my groove back

Thinks I need to do:

1. Find an accountability partner for work and for life.

Its easy for me to start something and not finish it. I have all these great ideas and yet I don't act on them. I'd like to have some one with me to help me get the fine details to a manageable level.

2. Feeling not so overwhelmed.

Yes you say EVERYONE needs that. But I have major issues with it. Again I will need help with number one to help with this one.

3. Make my income match my wants and needs

Need to find a way to do this and I will.

4. Being there for my kids.

-----

5.  TBD

Broken

I am broken both in spirit and in body.

I really need to get better so here I am stating this.

I have a 30 day YMCA pass.
I really would like to keep it after the 30 days so here I am making a plan of action

I want to have a significant other that I can confide in so here I am making myself better.

I need to have hopes and dreams again so here I am planing them.

I need to write again so here I am writing.

I need to have an action plan so here I am making it

I need to have order and structure so here I am creating it.

30 days can change my life and this is my challenge.

My Word

Being that its been a few months that I have been busy. trying to live two or three lives takes a toll on oneself.

Getting back into real life is hard when there are few to talk to. I know the people are out there just not the same from them being there, checking in, seeing them on a daily bases. I guess I am one of those people that like everyday conversation.

With that I know I should reach out to people some more however I doubt they want to hear from me. 

Maine India Gayi Thee

I went to India.

My friend asked me why aren't you blogging about India? You have all these awesome experiences and foods that you should be talking about. I will...

To me, this trip is an emotional and physical one. being physically apart from the littles, being out side the USA in 15 years, and letting go.

I can't write any more right now about my trip because it is not complete. When I am on the plane I think I maybe able to. Won't have anything better to do. However it won't be a list or pictures, it maybe something completely different from what some expect. If you want to see some pictures, "like" the fact that a small cup of Chai is .16 cents or see a play by play, that's what face book is for.

By Jimminy... Cricket!

Got into the Cricket World Cup because of lack of interest in the sports. 50 days till Baseball so why the hell not?

I've watched about 12 hrs of it combined from yesterday and today. I keep thinking what would make the game more exciting to American people.

The speed. Cricket is slow. It take roughly 4 hours to complete one half of the game. Why not speed that up? Baseball did it. I say cut the field in half and pitch 5 balls to each of the 10 players. I know there is an 11th person so in case of a tie they come and get pitched 5 extra. Keep the points the same.

The fielders have one handed gloves (just like baseball). too many times balls dropped out of bare hands and the game could have been won (or lost) because they couldn't catch the ball. If not gloves the mitt that the keeper (catcher) wears on one hand.

There should also be more introductions of players. I don't know how however it was cool when they started counting down for the matches however for some one who has no clue who these people are and who they play for in the rest of the cricket world. Hell I didn't know we Americans had a cricket team until today!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year.

Sorry for the absence. I have been very busy with the littles and what not.

This year is going to be great. End of school at the end of the year, big travels planed, and the year of the Goat/Sheep/Ram which would be my year! Also turning a big number tho I am just happy it can be divisible by two.

Enough for now. SUPER HAPPY!!!

Thinking about what's next

Thinking about travel
Thinking about life
Thinking about what is going on with travel and life.

Planing my moves carefully
Planing is the key
Planing is 9/10th of the solution with me.

The unknowns of next year
Has my mind in a twist.
Planing and thinking are what my life is gotten to now.

Got my Tava pan

I now have the right pan for the job. Its a multitasker so I get to do bread and Dosa on it.

SQUEE!!!

 Made cookies as well.

Feeling out of sorts

Always with the holidays comes a lot of memories. The good, bad, and just down right aweful. Hope this years is one that can erase a bad one from the past. And the next years can continue on to the next. 

Thinking

Been doing a lot of thinking.

Been doing a lot of drinking and thinking.

Well haven't been doing the drinking, however been doing a lot of thinking.

A friend recently was dumped by a guy she thought she loved and it brought out a few emotions for me. The first was empathy for her loss. I mean I've been through a whopper of a trial recently. The second was to be cold, bitter, and basically a dumb robot.

Felt numb, felt nothing, felt like a disembodied person with no heart. That scared me.

Have I become a robot with no other feelings besides a few that I hold dear to my chest? I know that love is there to be compassionate, but it wasn't the case. Still hurting. A close friend said that I couldn't see what P.S. I Love You meant because "[I] have been a lil hurt from love..." Very true. I cried more at that statement and the one that followed than the movie that I watched twice and only cried once or twice at the wrong points in the movie, or what I thought was the wrong points of the movie.

The feeling that I was trying to pass on that robot feeling. Going through the motions of very day life with out that feeling of love towards some one and when you find that some one that truly deserves that love, you are at a loss for what you need to do or say. And maybe a few years go by and that chance has gone away.

I don't know maybe the right person has not yet graced my life or maybe that person has come and gone.

I don't really want to be a robot.

Does not compute.

Thankful for

This year unlike the last years I am actually thankful for a lot.

A friend has told me that I have truly become her life time friend, which I thought was impossible to do because of who I am in general. However I guess I have changed for the better.

Two wonderful littles which are coming into their own. I am one proud mom.

People I can open up to when it feels like I can't do anything but to curl up into a ball and cry. They give me motivation to do what I need to do to dwell and help me move on.

For my new glasses. I can see clearly now the fuzz has gone. I remember what my X-FIL stated about getting corrective surgery for his eyes and complained that the world was too bright, well my complaint is that the world is too sharp now. I maybe getting contacts tho I may just have them for work or going out once and a while.

What are you thankful for this week, month and or year?

Thank you for the memories

Being thankful is something I need to work on. I try and try to say I am thankful however I don't show it as often as I really would like.

I am thankful for a year of great people that like me even when I was really down and out.

I am thankful for only a few people that can talk me down from a wall.

I am thankful for my littles and their comfort and support when I am in need of a little pick me up.

I am thankful for finding what I truly want to do in life.

I am thankful for a lot of reasons. To each person thank you. Thank you for the memories and I am looking forward to making more in the next year and beyond.